Moving In ....

After six months of dating, I moved in with my Mr. J into his condo. At first, I was hesitant. But, it's been nice. He's been great. Though, I wish I saw him more often. He travels a lot for work. But I do enjoy the week when he works from home. And I love being held in his arms while I fall asleep or being able to lay my head on his chest and we are watching a movie. He's great. Amazing. Mr. J and I --- December is our 7 months. Then in January we go to Puerto Vallarta.

He is meeting my mother and her sister this Thanksgiving. I'm a little nervous. Just a bit. Okay, okay. I lie. I'm a lot nervous. I hope it goes well.

I find myself here again....

It's become a familiar place.





And I don't like it one bit. Why can't I just be?
I find myself at odds.

There's too many thoughts floating in my head.
Can I ever just be?

I want too much probably. And I don't deserve it. Or maybe I do. I'm not really sure.

Wǒ xiǎngniàn nǐ

I miss you. 

There. I said it and now, I'm writing about it, too. You make so aware and in the same instance, I feel very lost. I don't know if I should stay the course, or leave. Shall I stay on this or go? You tell me to go, but your actions do not mirror your words. It is as if you want to test my limits and see how far I can take. 

I told you I would take care of you, and I have. I will continue to do so if you would let me. You keep asking me the same questions. I give you the same answers and yet, you still cannot understand what I'm saying, so I let my actions speak for me --- but it's as if you play dumb and tell me you don't get it and other times, I know you get it but you still say you don't. 

Which is it? You ask me if tou were to move, would I move with you. You know the answer to that and I told you myself is yes, and then, the topic is tabled for a different time. 

If actions were enough, I wouldn't be in such a deep internal conversation with myself trying to figure what exactly you mean, and it would be nice if I could just ask you, but you probably don't know either. 

So, again --- here I am, writing these thoughts down before I drive myself crazy. But I know this ----- I miss you. Wǒ xiǎngniàn nǐ.

Here I Am Again....

So, Mr J will be gone for a couple of weeks? He has a conference in the east coast and when he gets done with that, he has music festival he will be going to and right after that, he will be flying out to SLC for work and won't be back til 9/18 but turns around again and flies out 9/20 back to SLC... Yea, he travels a lot for his chosen profession, while I stay in town and commute to work M-F and occasionally I do overtime which means I lose a day of my weekend.

Yet, the reason why I'm writing this --- before Mr J, I met L. L and I also had chemistry, but the main difference between L and J is even though J is bad at communicating, he is trying. I would like to talk to Mr J more even though most of my work involves being on the phone all day and frankly, I dislike small talk. But even if Mr J was talking to me about the weather or something as mundane as that subject, the sound of his voice makes my heart beat just a little faster. I love the way he enfolds me in his arms and makes me feel safe. I love his surprise lick attacks. I love how he holds my hands when we are watching s movie, a TV show...I love how he lays his head on my lap to take a nap. I love that mysterious smile of his.

I can talk about Mr J for hours on end. But I'm still learning things about him. He makes me think to no end. This Saturday, I would have known Mr J for three months.

In the short span of the last few months, I have come to know a lot about him. And he has come to know a lot about me. And I know I shared a secret or two and I don't know if I should have, but I know that I feel lighter somehow.

I wish I knew what was going on in his head. Sometimes, I wish I understood why I feel the way I do.   It's a puzzle. I respond to him like no other. Mr J stimulates my mind and my body ...well, I know I'm his. And no one else.

And right now, I just want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice. I never knew a bed could feel so empty. I'm sprawled diagonally on it, and I wish I had his arms around me.

Here I am again

....thinking.

Things I want to say ............

But instead, I decide not to say a word to anyone. Why? Because some things are better left unspoken. Though, some things have been unintentionally spoken (I think). 

I thought I had a good handle on my emotions. I could say - for the most part, I do. Yet, that would be a lie of epic proportions, too. I wish I could just turn off my emotions. An on-and-off switch would be great. 

Times like this one all I want is to disappear. 

Disappearing sounds pretty good. Go anywhere else and have a new start. It's not that I'm running away, but I guess it could definitely appear as if I am. I just want to get away from the thoughts and feelings that I am being bombarded with ... or am I being overly dramatic? 

The things I want to say... my Mr. J comes to mind first. I want to share my confusion, which is very odd because the confusion is mixed with some certainty, too. The future is right there, but I should focus in the present. And the past? My past has been haunting me so much the past several days that I'm not exactly sure what to make of that...

And the dreams I have been having! It's more like a scene out of a movie. So detailed but every time I want to get closer, my vision gets blurry. 

I have things to say to family, friends... coworkers... 

And yet, I keep it all inside --- within me, I have no idea if that is a good idea or not. 

My thoughts are inundated with so many ... I can't figure out why there is a lot of confusion. On the surface, I appear calm and collected. On the inside? It isn't turmoil. It's a whirlwind of everything. 

Everything. 

My thoughts have a way of leaking out. On its own, it streams to my consciousness and my day-to-day life. 

Thoughts...

My mind is always busy. It is never quiet in there. I myself may appear quite the silent, observing type, but my mind is never quiet.

Quiet is an adjective that has often been used to describe me. "Oh, Mel? Yea, she's pretty quiet. Keeps to herself. Doesn't get in anyone's business."

While this may be very true, I happen to also be the haborer of secrets. You wouldn't believe the secrets I know about people, and I often wondered why people always told me things that the general population do not know (general population here beingn used as a term to describe a group of friends/coworkers/acquaintances/what have you) ...

Here's the thing about me: I don't say things unless I think it is necessary. I don't just blurt things out loud. Although, on more than one occasion, I have been very tempted to "spill the beans" as the saying goes.

And I'm faced with a plethora of problems because some things I've been told I should probably say something about (and no, no one has confessed a murder to me or anything like that dire) but since I was trusted enough to be shared their secrets --- I suppose I should keep what I was told under lock and key.

Yet --my biggest thing right now is I want peace and silence, but my mind will not let me have it. My mind keeps yapping away and frankly, my mind is giving me a migraine --which thinking on that statement since my mind is part of me ---this just boils down to me giving myself a migraine ////sighs

You see, I have always felt more; I'm very in-tune with my emotional side whereas my more logical, rational side I don't really think on too much err rely? I've learned the hard way that I need to be more balanced and while I appear that I am, nothing can be more further from the truth. I'm an emotion person. Always going with my reckless heart because my brainy self didn't make much sense. And I'm at a crossroads in my life ---one of many that I have had the unpleasantness to come upon once again ---and I don't know what to do.

Surely there is a way out of this mess, right? What I would like is for both to come to an understanding --where my heart and head have actually coalesced into one because then I wouldn't feel as troubled or feel as if I'm betraying one for the other... But Life itself doesn't work that way.

There is no black and white. Where I am right now is lost amidst the greys. I can talk on hours in this, but I won't because I will be going around in circles. Instead, I will stay where I am at this pivotal crossroads and maybe, just maybe, my heart and my mind would come to an agreement of sorts.

I tell you; being me is dangerous. Always thinking because my mind won't shut up. However, I don't say a lot. I tend to write my scattered thoughts out and the feelings that come along with sometimes make themselves known...

And Life these past couple of months have been quite a ride. Not entirely sure if I want to keep on this journey, but my feelings have made themselves known loud and clear ---and what that is, well, that's an inner conversation that is ongoing.

I've already told that I won't say it any more. Because it's moot right now. Doesn't matter how I feel because I can feel all I want and not get the same back. Just like how my mind jabbers away on whatever it wants because again, my heart feels while my mind thinks and overthinks and so on and what-not.

I've given myself a timeframe. My best friend knows this. And I don't know... I know it would be worth it, but there's that probability that it won't.

My thoughts scatter and my feeling stay steady. I'm not entirely sure I understand what exactly is going on, and I should...I feel like a third wheel to what my heart and my mind are feeling/thinking ////sighs

coffee shop attraction - a short story

I

Chris and I met at a coffee house one fall day in late September. I was ordering a chai latte when he approached me.
"They make the best chai in town here," he whispered.
Startled, I looked up at him. "Yeah, I know," I said with a sheepish grin.
He was beautiful. Soft, curly, brown hair fell gently over his hard, chiseled face.
He wore a torn, tie-dyed shirt that looked as if it hadn't been washed in years and he stood with unreserved confidence. I was wildly attracted to him.
Before I knew it, I was back at his apartment, naked, drenched in sweat, and overwhelmed with guilt. He slept while I laid on his cold, hard mattress feeling sick to my stomach. I could feel the vomit rising up in my throat; it was the latte I drank a few hours earlier. I had to get out of there. Slowly getting out of his bed, I threw on my clothes and snuck out of his bedroom.
"Kirsten? Where are you going?"
"Shit," I thought to myself. I didn't want to look at him. I was ashamed and felt like a whore.
"Umm, I have to go," I responded quickly.
He stood in the doorway of his room, naked, free, fearless.
"Well, can I call you," he asked.
I stood in the hallway examining his face. "Was he serious," I questioned silently, "did he actually want to see me again?" His magnetic blue eyes pierced through me like daggers, which made me slightly uneasy.
"Uh, ok yea sure," I muttered.
He motioned towards me. Grabbing a pen and paper of the computer desk that sat in the corner of the hall, he handed it to me.
"Here, write your number down."
II
"So, when do you guys see each other again," Karen asked.
It had been three weeks since Chris and I met and we had been talking daily ever since.
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I guess we're supposed to get together sometime this weekend. Catch a movie or something."
Karen and I sat across from each other in the dimly lit bar room talking quietly. She was my best friend, my confidant, the sister I never had.
"So, how was the sex? You never told me."
"Karen," I squealed, practically spitting my beer all of the table.
"What? It's not like it's anything new," she said as she lit a cigarette.
She was right, it wasn't anything new. I always told her about the guys I slept with. Except this time, it was a little different. Maybe it was because Chris and I did it the first time we met, or maybe it was because I actually like him. Either way, I didn't want to discuss it.
"Never mind about that," I said trying to avoid the subject at all costs. "Can we talk about something else please?"
"Whatever."
III
I couldn't believe what was happening. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Maybe it was because I had been under a lot of stress lately and that's why I'm late. Regardless, I was scared and had to talk to someone. I picked up my cell phone and called Karen right away.
"Hey, what's up Hun?"
"Hey you gotta minute?"
"Yea, why what's going on?"
I hesitated. I didn't want to tell her, but I had to tell someone. "I'm, I'm late, if you know what I mean," I stammered.
"What? What do you mean your late," she snapped.
"Well, it's been five days now. I don't know."
"Oh my god Kirsten! I thought you used protection."
My faced burned with shame. I lied to her. We didn't. It was bad enough I slept with someone I barely knew the first day we met let alone not use any sort of protection, how could I admit to her I was such a whore? I lied once more.
"W-we did. I don't know for sure. Anything can happen you know!"
"Alright, well, I'll come over as soon as I can. We'll go get you a test, okay?"
IV
I sat on the cold edge of my bathtub staring at the instructions of the pregnancy test. I didn't want to take it but I knew I had to. One line not pregnant, two lines pregnant. I took the test.
"Well, what does it say," Karen shouted through the locked door.
"It's not ready yet," I called.
It probably was but I didn't want to look. I felt sick to my stomach. Slowly, I picked up the thin stick that held my destiny in its hand. I paused. Opening the door, Karen looked at me with sympathy. She already knew. I handed the stick to her and began to cry.
V
"Well, I-I have money," he mumbled. "I mean, ya know, for whatever you decide to do."
"W-what," I stammered.
My mind raced. Did he really just say that? Chris and I had only slept together once. We had only knew each other a few weeks and I'm pregnant with his child. All he had to say was that he had money. What did he mean by that? Did he want me to abort the baby? Was he willing to pay for it if I decided to keep it? What could I say to that?
"W-what do you mean, you have money? We need to discuss this, Chris."
"Yea, yea I know. Well, I mean I-," he paused for awhile. "Listen Kirsten, you gotta understand I can't have a kid right now. I just started this new job, I'm trying to buy a house, I'm 23 years old for Christ's sake. I-I just…"
Was he serious? Did he really think I was prepared for this as well? I could feel my face turning red with fury. Although every curse word flowed through my head, I didn't want to start an argument. We agreed to meet at my apartment the next day to discuss further action on what to do about out newly found problem.
VI
Chris arrived at my apartment the next morning bearing a frown and a cup of coffee. He slinked through my doorway looking around for another person.
"Is there someone here," he snapped cockily.
"No!"
Irritated, I slammed the door behind him. The sound of his voice made me sick. Suddenly, the beauty I saw in him that day at the coffee shop and the amazing conversations we held on the phone with one another, all slipped my mind and transformed into a ball of hatred.
"So, what's up," he asked as he slumped on my plush couch. "Are we agreeing on this?"
"Agreeing on what? We haven't eve talked about anything yet," I screamed.
"Alright, alright. Calm down," he barked back. "So, lets discuss this."
Chris and I talked for what seemed like hours. We couldn't agree on anything. He wanted to terminate the baby, I didn't know what I wanted. We weighed every possibility until finally, we agreed on what to do.
"Alright, so I'll see you tomorrow?"
Opening the door to let Chris out, I stared at him. His eyes were warm and flashed me the 'I really do care about you' look.
"Yea, I'll see you tomorrow." he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and hurried out the door.
VII
I stared out the window watching the flashes of the farms and pastures fly by me. My mind was racing. Can this really be happening? I couldn't do it.
"Wait," I screamed.
"Jesus Kirsten! What," Chris snapped.
"I-I don't think I can do this. I can't We have to turn around."
"Look, we talked about this yesterday, it's the best thing for us. I'll be right there with you. It's okay," he grabbed my hand and squeezed tight. Deep down I knew he was right but something told me otherwise.
VIII
Pulling into the parking lot of the clinic there were protestors everywhere. Men and women holding picket signs and shouting obscenities at the windows of the center. I couldn't move.
"What-what's going on," I stammered.
"I dunno. Religious fanatics I assume. Don't worry about it. Just ignore them."
I got out of the car. I had decided earlier on the long drive that I wasn't going to go through with the abortion. I was going to trick Chris and tell him I did it and then never speak to him again. I'd have the baby on my own. I could do it. Women do it all the time. After all, it was my fault. Walking up to the doors of the hospital, people ran up to me shouting.
"You whore!"
"Your going to hell for this!"
"God will punish you!"
Suddenly, out of no where, I heard a gun shot and I fell to the ground. At that moment, the problem was solved.

the secret

She found him by the rusty swingset. A cute, little boy with brown curls and big, bright blue eyes. She found him crying the next day at the same spot, and still she didn't talk to him. Mommy told me not to talk to any strangers, she told herself, unaware that someone was watching her. But, her mind replied, he's on a little boy. And so, she made a promise to herself that tomorrow is when she'll talk to him, to the cute, little boy with brown curls. Tomorrow, I'll say hello.

But, tomorrow never came, and the cute, little boy wondered where the girl with the straight black hair went. He looked everywhere for her .. the first time he spotted her, she by the sandbox playing with several other children. The second time, he thought that she was staring at him while he was by the swingset, crying because his pet Charlie th rat died. His cat Frederick ate him.And today is the third day he was at the playground. And the girl with the straight black hair was nowhere to be found. His sister picked him up an hour later.

She asked him about the girl. His sister seemed to think that he had a crush. And he didn't even know what or who a crush is! He was, after all, only five years old. All he knew is that he liked the girl with the straight black hair. She didn't come today, he replied. His sister nodded, and he didn't see the tears forming in her eyes. He wasn't paying any attention. He looked straight out of the window like he always did, wondering why his sister is weird, and why his brother was tall. Maybe I'll be tall like him, too, he thought.

Together, they went home.

When they got home, he quickly unbuckled himself from the booster seat, and came running into the kitchen. Today, his mother didn't even notice! At dinner, he found out that his mom cooked him his favorite dinner, macaroni and cheese. And let him have a soda for a drink! I wonder why she's letting me, but his thoughts wandered away as he noticed that the television was on. He then thought, but we never have the tv on during dinner. Then, he heard his mom say he can't go to the playground anymore, not by himself and that his mom or his sister will be with him from now on. And he asked why, mad that he had to have either his mom or sister be there. Why can't my brother come with me? Because was all his mom said. Fine he yelled.

He didn't finish his mac-and-cheese.

He also didn't get to go to the playground the next several days, either. It was either raining or his mom wanted him to come with her to go grocery shopping or some other stuff. His mom never asked him before to go, and he wondered why now. He never did ask her, though, because at dinner, she informed everyone at dinner that they were all going to go and see Grandma. Really, he said. Then he asked, but the day we get back from seeing Grandma, can we go to the playground. His mom nodded her head.

A couple days later, his mom finally took him to the playground, and he noticed that they weren't a lot of kids around. He also noticed that there was some yellow ribbon or something around the sandbox. And his mom told him that he can't play there for a long time. Why he asked. His mom said that it was a crime scene. A what he asked. But, his mom didn't know how to respond to that. Instead, she told him to never talk to strangers.

Xanga...

I found my Xanga username and had to reset password, but I found Xanga and logged in. According to the site, the last time I logged in was back in 2011 ----- four years ago!

And I read through some entries.
Wow.

I wrote a lot. From 2003-2011(the entries from 2003-2009 doesn't show up, though; probably bc of the update that Xanga did OR I put them all in PRIVATE ...hmm) .... I basically chronicled my college life and some of my graduate/law school, too. Wrote about Hawaii and W. Wrote about DrFastAndFurious... Wrote about B. I'm having serious nostalgia from reading my Xanga journal.

I can't believe it hasn't been purged from their site!

this is OUR story or the beginning of one ...

My Mr. J and I started talking/sending each other messages back and forth from the online site where we met. Mutually liked and he sent me a nice message ... and the rest is kind of writing itself now.

Our first date was a month and a day ago. It surprises me that we've only known each other a month; it feels like I've known him longer. We finish each other's sentences. We think on a similar brainwave... and we're both scared for what this could mean.

But we are both giving this - us - a try.

I find it interesting that even though we have so many similarities, our unique differences make us who we are .... and it amazes me so much that my jaw hurts from all the smiling I've been doing as of late.

Whatever the ending may be, I think I'm going to write it as much as I can. Because the moments we spend and the memories we create while we're together ...I want to remember everything I do with My Mr. J :smiles: I want to remember how we poke fun at each other, and the laughs we have, and the times we hold hands... I want it all.

My Mr. J makes me think it's possible for that elusive happily ever after. And that within itself is scary. But I want to know so I'm staying because as I keep reminding Mr. J --- I'm in it for the long haul. Challenge accepted.

My Mr. J, I already told you: and I will keep telling you in person: I'm falling for you.  

Write about falling. (Remember to go with your "first flash," and write for 10 minutes without stopping or thinking.)

Falling in love was not something I expected. Especially with my track record... my past relationships only lasted three years. Never went any further.

And now? Falling for him - for my Mr. J - well, I'm at a loss as to what to do. Feelings I thought I buried deep within are resurfacing, and I'm once again questioning ---- but Mr. J makes me feel safe. Mr. J makes me all sorts of things/feelings/whatever you want to call them.

Mr. J quite undoubtedly makes me happy. And I hope I make him happy. Mr. J deserves happiness, too., and no, I am not putting him on a pedestal. He is great. Awesome. We haven't known each other long, but it feels as though I've known him far longer than I have. We finish each other's sentences. We are in sync. Similar interests, similar background --- and through all of that, we still maintain our differences, our individuality.

My Mr. J is ... he makes me smile just by thinking of him. My Mr. J is the first and last thought I have every day it seems since we first met.


Mr. J, I know you know this, but I'm your girl. I'm not going anywhere any time soon; I told you that I think I'm falling for you. Well, let me amend that: I know I am falling for you. My feelings are quite loud in that aspect.

---
The prompt asked for falling and that's what I thought of -- falling in love. Not falling down the stairs. Or whatever else that may be more appropriate. I could write more, but I'll just be gushing. :blushes:

thirty days ....

The 30 days challenge of YOU is coming to a close. And this entire past week -- I spent hours to myself and hours with someone who I really, really like. And he likes me back. It's mutual.

I can't even put into words how he makes me feel.
I hope I make him feel the same way, too.

I like hearing his voice. I like being in his arms.
:)

I'm not sure what to title this one...

But here I go.

The fact that I have a stomach bug doesn't stop me at all in trying to write down my thoughts. My thoughts are always flowing, and sometimes, they are overflowing. I've always been a thinker, but in that same token, I am also a feeler.

Even as a child, I always felt more than an average child should. Couple that with thinking too much, it becomes overwhelming.

I need to start carrying a notebook and pen because I cannot type my thoughts as fast as I would like on my smartphone. Sometimes, my mind goes completely blank, but I can still feel the words are there, just waiting to bubble up again in the most inappropriate moment.

Let me give you an example: I'm at work. I work for a pharmaceutical company that creates a miracle drug one day at a time. I may be speaking to a patient and during the course of the conversation, I'll have this thought that's nibbling on my ear, dying to be written out --- which I acknowledge it. But once the conversation with the patient is over, and I have time to write -- the thought that was nibbling my ear is no longer there. And you know what? It's so damn frustrating.

I don't know how many thoughts I've lost that way... and the thoughts itself could have become one of the greatest stories ever.

It makes me wonder.

Before I was able to write thoughts down while doing something else. Now? I have to basically "lose" myself into the character, into that character's story...

I don't know how to harness my thoughts any more, and that's becoming a problem. I wonder if I can find somewhere online that can help. I feel as if I should just write whatever comes to mind... should I? Sometimes, I wish I can just let go. But it's so hard to do that. Is there an off switch that I can tap into? That may be helpful.

Sometimes, when I can't write whatever it is that I'm trying to -- I end up sketching/drawing it out. There are times when the time literally runs away from me. Like I don't recall ever moving from the same spot I've been sitting in for hours on end. It might be 9am, but then the next time I look up, it'll be 2pm.

Free writing is amazing. I have come up with some of the best things while submerged into that. Maybe I should find a writing workshop class. Hmm. That may be worth looking into it. Because how I am now -- with the thoughts just flowing -- I really need to harness them. Or find another creative medium such as painting -- haven't done that in ages. I need colored pencils, sketchbooks, and writing pads. I prefer legal pads, but hmm.

I also find myself humming a song that sounds familiar and not familiar at the same time.... its driving me crazy but not really. It's kind of comforting. Just like singing. Singing along with a song you know and you can't help but bust it out like your own.

I feel like my creative juices are waiting to bust out and I can't help but want them to --- containing them is becoming a task and I don't like having a task I can never complete. Writing is an ongoing project and I think it'll only end when the story within me decides that it is complete, which it hasn't decided so I guess I get to suffer...

but is it really suffering? Hmm. Writing is sustenance in its own way for me.... it has been awhile since the creative juices have been going, though. Has there been a change in my life? To cause such a leak? Or river I guess now. I feel like I'm swimming or trying to swim because at this time, I'm just flowing to wherever it is going to lead me.

That is also worth a thought... won't you stay with me for awhile?

There are so many thoughts I want to capture and write, but it's harder than I thought it would be. It's tricky. It's an awesome feeling though when I do catch one and start writing.

It's an overwhelming feeling that I need to capture and get going ... because there's a story, a book that's waiting to be written and I can't wait for it to be finished.

still on a hiatus ...

day 14-18 ...

I have a stomach bug and have been worshiping the porcelain throne. It sucks.

sorry for my brief hiatus...

Days 9-13 (with today being day 13) ....

The last several days have been amazing. I can't really say or write how I feel. It's just ... just be. :) Have a good week ahead everyone.

day 8

30 day challenge is all about giving an hour devoted entirely to yourself...

And honestly? I have been giving myself not an entire hour -- it is more like thirty minutes. Or forty-five minutes. Or an hour and thirty. Or two... yea. Sometimes, I'm a little short. Or a little over. Either way, I'm learning a lot. And writing. A lot. Meditating, too.

There's so much that I didn't know but I feel as if I know now. Or beginning to know. It's quite exhilarating.

I haven't written much in the past couple of days because I've been busy. But, even though I get busy, I remember to set aside at least an hour. For myself.

I suggest everyone do it. I know, I know --- we are all busy, but that one hour really does change something withing --- it kind of opens a door that you might not even know you had locked away.

Anyways, just something to think about :smiles:

30 day challenge - day 5, 6, 7

Day 5 ---- I went for a really long run and could've gone for more had I not gotten a leg cramp.
Day 6 is today -- I put in days off for vacation. Now, I just need to figure out where I'm going :) I also meditated early this morning.
Day 7 ----- woke up bright and early to go and bring my friend Jenn to the airport. Then, got my hair highlighted. Went for a jog and found myself lost, but luckily for me I had my iPhone so yay for GPS.

Go Hawks --- the series is tied. Woohoo. And since L and I haven't decided to be serious with one another, I guess I'm going on a date w/ J (also, from the same online dating site) ... dating is confusing. More confusing than math. LOL.

Anyways, I probably should try to go to bed soon ... or something. Since I've been awake as of 4am and didn't really sleep --- just napped for an hour and a half. Then watched the Hawks play against Lightning ... s/w J practically the entire time. Wondering about L.

And looking up apartments ... gah.

30 day challenge of YOU - day 4

I went for a walk when I got home. Had an early jog this morning, too.

All in all ---- I've been thinking. Trying not to over-think. Ha. But, my thoughts tonight I will keep to myself as hmmm.





Anyways, what a beautiful night it is :) Good night beautiful people!

30 day of challenge - day 3

What are you waiting for? I've been asking myself this question quite frequently lately.

When I was younger - like around 5 years old, maybe younger than that - when I was younger, I wanted to become an astronaut. Why? Because I like the stars that twinkled in the sky. I always wondered what happened to them when it was storming or always wondered why they went away when it was cloudy. Later on, I came to find out that the stars were always there. They never really went away. They were just covered for however long it was while it rained or while it was cloudy.

That didn't change my mind. In fact, sometimes I still want to be an astronaut --- except I don't want to go back to school to get a degree in that field.

I just want to dance with the stars. Or be among them. I find those objects in the sky fascinating. I used to try to count them, too, which is absurd. There's no way I could have counted all the stars.... I can try, though.

I can always try, right? But --- I had a realization today. It sort of just hit me as that is what an epiphany does. Yet, I don't want to acknowledge it. But who am I kidding? My rational self doesn't want to, but I'm certain my heart already knows...

my gut is talking, but I can only hears its uncertainty. Typically, my gut is spot-on with things, but this ----- it doesn't know. Should it wait a little more? Should I chalk it up to impatience? Maybe I should take a leap of faith here.

I've already broken the pattern, and in the very least, there are signs. Though, I have someone who tells me that they are just coincidences.   I'm trying very hard not to jump into any conclusions, but that epiphany this afternoon -- that epiphany makes me think. And I have a bad habit of over-thinking.

If I could shut it off, and just be able to live in the moment... it's not wise to always be in the moment, but at least I wouldn't be over-thinking. Maybe. Most likely not over-thinking, I think.

Writing sometimes can help me sort things out ... but lately, it hasn't. Or if it has, I don't see it as helping. It just confirms some things that I realized today. I don't know where to go from here. I know what I want. It's the whole "what are you waiting for?" crap ..................... physically, I appear to be in control. Then, there's the emotional state followed by mental ... the only thing I'm sure of is that physically --- I'm getting better. My mental isn't too bad... It's my emotions that throw me a for a loop!

I.... am ............. a little sleepy. It's like I'm awake but I'm looking down at myself doing something else ------

These last few months --- it's been a whirlwind of stuff. I wish I knew where I was going from here. A direction would be nice. To point me in the right path. Hopefully, I can just intersect whatever it is, but knowing how my life has been .... it probably won't.

/sighs

30 days of challenge - day 2

It has to be the romantic in me. All these wishes, thoughts, and whatever else it may be that is making me like this --- nay, feel like this --- I blame the romantic in me.

I thought the romantic in me died. I thought I was a cynical, jaded being. That has become very aloof, but I guess that was just me wishing that I have. Because once that other shoe falls, though .... I wonder if I'll once more become cynical and jaded.

Love, lust. Is there a way to differentiate those two any more? I know most people fall in love with infatuation. I don't think 'love at first sight' occur - it is more 'lust at first sight' but even as I say that, I want to believe that 'love at first' does happen. Again, it is the ever hopeful romantic in me.

I never did like being labeled as 'hopeless romantic' ----- I do believe 'hopeful romantic' is a better saying.


And I've said this before - I don't think I've ever fallen in love. Definitely experienced the love unrequited. But to fall in love with someone who reciprocates the same --- yea, that hasn't happened. Now, wit that said, falling in lust who reciprocates the same - that has happened more than once.

I just want to know what I have to do to fall in love and have someone reciprocate the feeling ... what does one have to do to make that happen?

Or does it happen to certain individuals? If so, what did they do to deserve to be so lucky/miserable?

Love is. Same goes for joy, hope. Lust. But love is the most powerful of all of them. I just know that we need more than just love. Love is a luxury. Love is something unexplained ----- emotions and all, yes, they do help in the interpretation, but there is so much more to love....

And I just want to experience it. I know that a lot of people like sunsets over sunrises. (I agree for the most part) --------- sunrises are just amazing. It's when the world is full of promise.

30 day challenge of YOU - day 1

30 day challenge  << provided the link (ebook) so you can see what I'm talking about ...

I'm going to do this beginning today, May 31, 2015 and ending June 30, 2015. It's all about me -- this challenge is all about me and finding myself. Spending an hour just to do shouldn't be hard, right? Wrong! It's tougher than it looks because the challenge says no distractions. No TV, no music while exercising ... what I"m going to do is meditate, and write. Write a lot. Whether online or on actual notebook with a pen.

For one whole hour beginning today.

Writing is my passion. I convey my thoughts with words better than I do with talking. But - if I'm with someone that I really connected with then I can talk for hours. Or become this talking fiend where I want to keep talking with you because I want to get to know you. But my thing is with that is - I can be smothering in the amount of attention I shower the person so I find myself holding myself off. Why? I don't know. I don't want to seem clinghy or stalker-ish. (That a word?) But I know how I am - I'm very affectionate whether through texts, IMs, hand-holding, giving hand massages, making his favorite dish, or have his favorite ice cream ... I give it my all, but I can't give my all if I don't know where I stand.

I used to give it my all but I ended up giving it to the wrong people. Now? I want to give it my all - but I'm wary. Trust is easily broken in a few seconds. It takes a lifetime to build it back up.

I guess I'm afraid of falling in love. I know how unrequited love feels like so I guess I've been in love before, but it was one-sided. I'd like more -- and I don't want to be afraid of giving it all to someone who will reciprocate.

I can't remain afraid forever. But I don't want to be a fool, either. So, it's going to be a slow process. Still --- even with that said, the entire time I was writing, I was thinking of L ... I really can't forget him. And to be honest, I don't want to forget. I really don't want to - I just wish I knew already where I stood with him .... if it's a friendship, well it's not like I haven't had an unrequited before. But a friendship could be a great foundation to something more later on if that were to happen.

I wish I could just be in the moment, and not over-thinking about things that I cannot control. However, this moment shared with L --- the moments I shared with him --- I just ...yeah.

No matter what I'm doing ... somehow I always end up of thinking of L. Hmmm. Way to go, Mel. Circling back .... always to L. I don't think he's left my mind since I started talking to him. Wow. Brutal honesty right here. If I could just say it right to his face.  

just thoughts

Have you ever met someone whom you've just met but things feel like they just click with you? It's a bit interesting and exciting and just ...a little unnerving. I'm trying this whole online dating again. It's how I met W - second long-term boyfriend. And online dating between now and then ... nothing has really changed; just more competitive. Reminds me of how cutthroat law school was.

Everyone has a profile, and sometimes, you can kind of tell what kind of person is by their profile... since I've been single, I've only been in three first dates (broke up 4/20/14 w/ B and really that shouldn't have been three years of being together, but hindsight is 20/20 - lesson learned); the first one was a coffee date and upon meeting the person, I already knew it will only be a friendship. [That has happened before, too, the first time I tried online dating - most of the guys I met the first time go round with online date: I'm still friends with the majority of them. Just friendships. I don't think I even dated a single one of them. We all just became friends... anyways, I digress.] Second first date was meeting up for drinks and no chemistry. And the third first date? well... how do I even .... it was unexpected but in a good way. :blush:

He's him. And I'm me. And there's chemistry. And other stuff.

Quite vague, right? If I wrote exactly what I want to write, I might be banned for explicit language. He makes me want to write again... and I have been. It's been awhile since I've written. Considering I have several short stories and poetry and a screenplay and novels unfinished.... I don't know where to start - to even begin how to finish the ones that have been started. And I have this urgency to write new ones - new stories, perhaps a new novel ... a new screenplay. Who knows.

I think I preferred the other blog post ... it was somewhat similar to this one but more open. Maybe I should consider writing first thing in the morning. My thoughts were freer. I'll have to think on that.

Feeling More Like My "Old" Self ...

So, if you knew me when I was in my mid-twenties, and know me now in my current age - you would think there were two Mels... well, you wouldn't be wrong, but I think I've learned to merge the two and who I am now is as if I'm like my "old" self.

If you're friends with me in real life or even on Facebook, there are pictures of classy night out of which I spearheaded and the past couple of years, I haven't really been feeling like 'myself' --- I've pretty much become a hermit. Of sorts. Very introverted.

It's like I found my groove back... kinda.


I don't know ... either way, it's a nice feeling overall. :)

overthinking

I'm a victim of over-thinking.

But only with certain things. Not with everything. It's like selective over-thinking? Is that even possible? Hmm. Something to think about, I guess.

I'm also very emotional... not to say I will start crying at a drop of a hat. But I feel so much that sometimes it's overwhelming. Yet, every time I try to "control" --- I get this headache, which I know will become a migraine later on. So, I don't fight. I just let it be. But, back to over-thinking --- I need to learn how to relax. Just be.

I've been writing more ..... it's been weird. I guess sometimes the creative juices just begins. And doesn't stop.

But the over-thinking needs to stop. Driving / walking / jogging ---- they help, but I come back to it regardless. Over-thinking again.

[Dating] online...

I've tried this online dating once before - it's how I met W. And since I've become more introverted, I find it "safer" for interactions. However, let me just say this: I don't know if what I'm feeling for someone is genuine or if it's the heightened sense of curiosity that makes it all so wonderful, a mystery worthy of being unraveled. Or will I end up with empty words again?

With my profile - I think I do a pretty good job of stating what I want and what I don't want. And I've been single for awhile (for documentation purposes I've been single officially since 4/20/14 but that relationship I was in - it shouldn't have gone past one year but me that I am stayed two years more because of words exchanged that never happened #LessonLearned - saying one thing and doing another is just a waste of time) so really I've been single even though I was with someone the last three years but it was another eye-opening lesson ---- dating nowadays is about numbers. It feels as if it isn't about love and that saddens me. It's hard to find someone nowadays who actually wants to connect & when I say connect I don't mean literally but in some instances, the chemistry is there and you just have to go with it. It takes over and you have to just enjoy the ride.

I've had a total of three dates since I've become officially single (and the ex no longer lives with me) and this last most recent date with L is unforgettable. Not because he took me a fancy restaurant. And not because it was over coffee. I guess L is unforgettable. I simply can't get him out of my mind. He lingers like a stray thought that actually doesn't become a full thought but it's at the tip of my tongue and every time I want to grasp it, it just goes to poof! I will be doing something entirely removed from thinking about him and then boom! L comes flittering into my mind and I start smiling like an idiot. I feel like a love-obsessed teenager and I don't know what to do with myself.

I want to tell him how I feel but at the same time, my self-preservation kicks in because he honestly told me himself that he unintentionally friend zones women -- and I don't want to be friend zoned at all. I do the same myself - I have the tendency of friend zoning guys so I end up with a lot of guy friends. But I know that I don't want to friend zone L at all. L in my mind is far from being friend zoned because I want to know him more. I want to delve into who he is and what makes him /him/.
L is this whirlwind of energy that I want to be able to keep up with ... And I guess in this instance it could just be the chemistry between us that is fueling this, but wouldn't it be great if it became something more?

On our first date, L made a comment of how he can't believe I'm not married. And honestly I've heard that before - and I didn't know how to response. When I was younger, marriage did cross my mind but between when I was 19 years old to now (I've been very close to marrying the first long-term relationship, but he accused me of cheating of which he actually did himself - he cheated on me) ....I can say that marriage is the last thing on my mind. But to be completely honest, the couple of days I spent with L --- that word has managed to take root and I don't know. If L were to say that again to me, of how he can't believe I'm not married yet, I think I already know the answer as to why.  And it scares me. It literally gives me the shivers.

Of course, everything I'm saying could just be me over-thinking, too, and I'm making too much out of nothing. I just don't know ...

I'm exactly five feet tall. And not once did I think that the queen bed I sleep on was too big for just one person. Now? I feel as if I'm engulfed in it. When L was here, it felt right like the queen sized bed gave me its blessing. Like things clicked for once in my life. But again, this really all just could be chemistry with nothing else.

I guess I could find out the answer but asking him directly gives me butterflies in my stomach. Can't I go back to where I hand him a piece of paper that says, "Circle one - do you like me? Yes or No," and the no is all scribbled out ...

Well hello again ...

I haven't written in awhile because I haven't had the feeling to write and I still don't, but I figure some freewrite couldn't hurt, right? My percentage has gone up and that's good news :) I sometimes wish my heart would stop feeling when my mind tends to wander and remember things from the past... It's not that I regret what happened; it's more I regret all the good I did for the wrong person. 

I guess this, too, is part of growing up.

We weren't right for each other and still definitely not - but there were some good times, and a lot of bad times which looking back I should have reported but didn't because of reasons that aren't good, and now - I'm left with thoughts and feelings and I'm glad I never did memorized phone numbers because I want to know but I already know what I want to know, too. I just want to hear it. Even though my heart knows it already, I still want to hear it because I know I no longer feel as I did before  but three years with one person is exactly that. Three years. 

I'm ready to keep moving forward; it's just that to still feel bruises and hear words that were said ----- I'm not broken. I'm mending. But I have made a promise to myself that I will not let myself be in that situation again where I feel helpless - I still feel the wall behind my back and hands that weren't gentle. Bruises heal, yes. But the actions behind those ---- I don't know when I will feel safe in another's arms --- at least, I can be around the opposite sex with no qualms or shaky fingers. I know what mask I'm wearing. But to be intimate, to be that close with someone --- that's a whole new ballgame. New battleground. 

Part of growing up, right --- all of this is part of that process. 

I'm no longer where I was, but it feels like my journey is at a standstill because I don't know how to open up and not be wary. Trust is precious. Once it's broken, ....I just don't know where to go from here. I think I do but taking that first step is difficult. Talking is different - I can do that. It's actions that I'm wary about - I don't want to be put in the situation I was previously ... Like ever again. 

I read this quote, "@wisdomsquote: Live your life, take chances, be crazy. Don't wait 'cause right now is the oldest you've ever been & the youngest you'll be ever again." I want to take chances. Live life how it should be. But I need to let go of fear and be able to trust again. And I'm finding it difficult to --- 

Just breathe, Mel. And take it one day at a time. I don't want to feel rushed into things (probably the main reason why I won't commit so readily this time around because I don't know if the words said will follow through the actions) 

No more promises. I don't want to hear them. Only make promises if you can keep them. 

Hello again ^_^

안녕하세요!

Thanks to Google translate I can "write" but no worries. I'm actually learning the Korean language, too - slowly but surely. It's fun. Now, I need a native speaker to tell me that my pronunciation is off! I can listen to music and watch kdramas for only so much, you know.

Anyways - today's post will be a bit more introspective: let me introduce myself -
... somewhat I didn't figure where I would be at now. Though, I don't think any one of us can foretell the future. But, I didn't think I would be where I am now. As to what I alluded to in the first post: be careful who you trust. Basically, be careful who you become intimate with because you might be paying for it with your life...

It is a hard lesson to learn. Last month was Cervical Cancer Awareness.
And yes, I'm being purposely vague and abstract.

I guess my full disclosure will have to come at a later time because it is difficult to talk about. Mian. 미안 해요.

Hello

안녕하세요!! (Hi!)

Apparently, my other blog had malicious code? Oh well. So, let's start with a new one ^_^

It is a new year after all... and I have moved to a new place. No more roommate -ex and I'm learning a new language and preparing for a trip to S.Korea and dealing with many changes. Still dealing with treatments. Gotta tell ya - be very careful with whom you trust. And always ask questions, ok? Don't trust blindly. I'll have a full disclosure later, but for now, I'm going to have a break from Korean language lessons, eat my pizza by watching a movie then tackle some more lessons.