just thoughts 07312017

Just thinking a lot today. Even though I don't have a job to go to at this time, I am still wide awake. I woke up and got up because he got up. His job requires him to travel and lately, he has been driving to St. Louis for work. He will be back most likely on Thursday and on Friday, he has a doctor's appointment and this appointment will tell us when his surgery will take place.

I had an interesting dream(s) last night. I vaguely remember them. I do know that all of them felt nice with an exception of one where I know I woke up semi-confused from ...

I've contemplated working for Starbucks or some coffee chain. I just don't know if my love for coffee will be able to stand it. As much as I like the smell of coffee, I don't know if I want to smell like it.

It's not windy outside at all. The flag on the flag pole is still, barely moving. It is bright and sunny outside, which is the complete opposite of how I feel. I feel somewhat desolate. Lonely.

I can work at another call center if I wanted to; but I don't want to do call center any more. I want to work in an office type environment. If it was remote, even better as I don't want to interact with people on a daily basis. Maybe I should apply for a warehouse job. Or bookstore. I do love books. I'm not sure if I want to talk to people either if I were in a bookstore. Hmm.

In one of the dreams last night, I was holding a child. She was precocious and didn't want to be held by me. She wanted daddy. In the dream, I remember saying that I want daddy, too, but daddy is gone and will be back later in the week.

Hmm. If dreams were to come true, in the near future I have kids with him. And a writing career that I have no idea how it came to be.

I wrote a lot last night. He asked me if I was going to become a best-selling author. My answer was I hope so. I sure hope so.

almost

I almost made it... that is, writing an entry on here on a daily basis and what-not.

I almost got out of the darkness, too. But it lingers. That sadness sure knows how to make its presence known. I would like to talk to an impartial party but not necessarily anyone who is a psychologist or psychiatrist. I just need to ...vent? I think that's what I need to do. I could be totally wrong though, too.

I need to make an effort and be a better friend. I also need to consciously stop berating myself or feel negative (this one will be hard to do) as much.

When I was younger, like back in the Philippines... I distinctly remember looking up at the skies constantly, and at night, I would imagine how it would feel like to dance among the stars. Granted, I also said I was going to be a singer and neither one of those wishes haven't.

I mostly daydream nowadays. I drift off into my own world and sometimes, I don't ever want to wake up. I much prefer my dream world. In my dream world, I'm married and I have children. I have a job that I like (which just tells me I haven't found said job yet) and I appear to be happy. Not melancholy. Not down. But actually happy.

I wish I knew why I was so happy. Because I'd like to be happy now. But again, dream world versus reality --- one day, my reality will be my dream world. It's just the whole waiting sucks.

shiny day

I had a phone interview this morning for a position I know I would be excellent in doing; but before you ask, no - it isn't my dream job. But it would be something for the mean time, you know?

He makes pretty good money and isn't hurting for money. I know we will get married someday but I would prefer to get out of debt first because once we are married, what is mine and is also his and vice versa -- and it doesn't feel right to me that he would need to help pay my student loans or my credit card debt or make car payments. He has already done so much for me and as much as I appreciate the gesture, whatever I need to do, I will find a way to do so.

I have been stuck before. It isn't unpleasant, but it is somewhat bothersome. To a fault. It's frustrating. Because I don't know when I will become unstuck.

I watch a lot of shows (and Kdrama, too) and some of the premises/situations the characters get in ... I could probably write about some of my experiences. Some are worthy stories. Some are not. Some are very painful. Some are filled with hope. But -- bottomline for me is that I experience sadness more often than not and its generally accompanied with a shot of loneliness, which as an introvert, doesn't bother me per se because I like being alone.

It is just worrisome. Somewhat. If you knew me at all, I am expressive to a degree. My eyes always give me away. And I'm reserved and quiet so if I'm being excessively loud, you know I'm trying to compensate or hiding something. I'm a terrible liar. Had I finished law school, I would have be the worst lawyer.

Things used to be black and white, but I am forever stuck in the grey areas of life now.

I feel something is missing, and I know it's not religion because when I did go to church, a part of me itched to get up and leave. Might have been the congregation I was in or maybe the priest's voice irritated me but it isn't religion. I know I haven't been as spiritual but I still believe to an extent of a higher power.

Could be the fact that I'm in my thirties and I still don't have a family of my own. I'm adopted so I don't even know if I have any living relatives.

I just ... I'm going round and round in circles. I wish I knew where I was going. And if I will ever be happy. I can't say I'm content. Because honestly I don't know if I am or not. Had the question been asked like a few years ago, I might have said yes with no hesitation. Now?

I just don't know.

Sad

I am this feeling. I feel it within me, and it's like a riptide. It keeps pulling me under the surface, and I'm barely able to break through its treacherous grasp.

This is the kind of sad that comes and goes. I don't think a good cry will quell it.

Its grip on me is not waning.
It may weaken for a moment, but it comes thundering back.
And I'm at a loss.




I just don't know.
I'm overwhelmed.

there is no title to this one; just thoughts 0727

I didn't write (as much) yesterday. I wrote some ideas in regards to a story I want to do (there's a deadline of 8/25/17 at 11:50PM Pacific time for it!), watched NCIS reruns, and hung out with my best friend (whose birthday is this weekend).

I don't like feeling how I have been feeling the last few days, but that's how it goes for me...... I will get this surge of productivity and then, it'll putter out of existence. But it does eventually show up. And the cycle continues.

I did a typing test last night. It's a prerequisite for a job. I did well and now waiting for yet another phone interview before the actual face-to-face one. The pay isn't that great, but it will be weekly paid with paid parking downtown. And it's something to do in the meantime.

What I'd like to do is working remotely. Working from home would be great. I don't have to deal with people on a daily basis -- well, not deal with people face-to-face because let's face it: small talk is just the worst. It's a forced conversation between two strangers who really could careless what the other one feels.

If I could choose what to do, I would be a stay-at-home mom raising our children while writing on the side. My biological clock is ticking and it is ticking loud. And fast. We both want kids. He travels all the time, though, and we can't always get the timing right, either. And we don't have relations as often as we would like. But someday -- hopefully soon.

It's raining where I am. It feels absolutely drowsy and grey out there. The raindrops falling are going down straight due to lack of a breeze. It's a steady rain. Quietly blanketing the whole area until its drenched. Wet, sticky air, too. Humid. It's a peaceful yet sad feeling.

Thinking out loud...

This is just me rambling out loud because as I said-- I normally live inside my head. The wheels in there are always churning.

I've been thinking a lot lately and trying to figure out where I am in the grand scheme of things because I want to know where I'm going with my life.

Have you spoken to me a year or two ago the answer I would have given would vastly be different as to what that answer may be now. And the truth is in my young age I still don't know what I want to be  when I grow up. Biological clock aside, I really do want to be a mother. I want to carry his/her inside my womb for the requisite time and give birth (probably with an epidural or a c-section or both). I wan to be there for him/her when they get their first tooth, first scrapes because daddy is teaching the how to throw/catch a ball, first kiss, first heartbreak, first failing grade(s) because he/she is my child and I know he/she is will be a dreamer and probably forget more than one time about finishing their homework on time or submitting it ...whatever the case, I want to be there as much as I can.

I don't doubt I'll probably be the parent that "mothers" their kid to where he/she will come to dislike me but he/she will always know I'm there for them. My love is and forever be unwavering.

I wish that I could fast forward time to where I'm pregnant and nesting and just being a mom. If you had known me maybe a few years back, all this talk would have never come out of mouth.

As before, I had a tough time with my life. A part of me wishes cancer would have kicked my butt but somehow I prevailed. I am amazingly still alive. And yes, I know. I am the same person that a couple of days ago wished I was dead.

I still have the same dark thoughts. They are ever present in the fringes of my mind. Just like how I've been constipated for the past weekend, the feeling of wrongness still weighs in my head.

Again, I'm just rambling here. I want to be a mother. I want a career not a job. I want to create things, write stories. I want my life to make sense. I want to feel as if I'm doing something with my life and lately nothing makes sense. At least not to me.

Does anything make sense to you?

PageHabit

Anyone familiar with PageHabit ...it's a monthly book subscription service. I just signed up for to receive their August Romance box. And once I receive the books, I might do book reviews on a book or two from the box I received.

Should be interesting to say the least. And the fact that August is around the corner...

Is anyone else on a monthly subscription to receive things? I'm also a part of the HAK community -- Hunt A Killer but in full disclosure: I've only opened up one box and I have received three out of the six that is supposed to be sent to me. I figure once I have all the boxes I will open all at once and have at it.



On another note, I definitely live in my head. I will have full blown conversations with my characters in my head and not once stop and think that I should probably write some of these thoughts down.

A snippet

He is walking around with a cane as his right foot throbs in pain. Looks like a swollen ankle isn't going to help things, either.

I am sitting here, trying to figure out why I'm still here. Where do I go from here? I can hear him struggling to walk and he asks me if I'm okay.

Okay is such a loaded word. 

Quit

I want to quit. When I say that, I mean my job right now. 

It isn't for me. And instead of going into work to try to make it work for me, I would rather say my goodbyes and end it on my terms. Of me leaving the place and finding something else. 

That something else could very well be a coffee shop job or bookstore. Something entirely different from what I have now. 

He asked me what my dream job is....... my answer: to write and share stories. I want to tell a story to an audience. A part of me misses watching kids and when it's time for nap time I would tell them a story. Something completely made up on the spot that gives them imagination and dreams (and yes, makes them fall asleep) 

I want more than just a 9-5 job. I want a career and I'm in my early thirties and I still haven't found it. I know I want to be a mom. I want to hold and raise my kids. I want to tell them stories of how he and I met. Of how I knew he was the one. Of how things came to be. 

I live mostly in my head. Ok, entirely in my head. I need a "job" that will let me be creative. I miss creating. The type of jobs I have now are so structured and confining. Sometimes, I can't breathe. Most of the time, I am more or less just threading water. 

I'm barely keeping my head up. As much as I like structure, I like not being confined to a cubicle for the rest of my life. I need to have the ability to move. I need minimal supervision and some feedback. 

I need to take a leap of faith. Maybe enroll in an art class. Just do a part time job. Lower that need to make the big bucks. Because I want to do something for myself. Something that makes me happy again. 

And staying in the job I have right now isn't going to help. It already has hindered me. I want to be free. 

The only thing remaining is am I ready to take the plunge? Am I ready to take that leap of faith? Right into deep, unknown waters... 

Where do you belong?

Did you know it's possible to live and not actually live? Some people use recreational drugs to "enhance" their lives. Others pile on activities upon activities to make themselves busy to the point of exhaustion. Then, there's the group of people who don't know what to do with their lives and are just going through the motions because it is what they are supposed to do.

I'm in the third group. I don't do drugs. I don't know a lot of people who would even sell those types of drugs. And I certainly do not seek out other activities to pile on top of whatever activities I have to do. I am just in the third group because I really don't know what to do with my life other than work, eat, and sleep. The motions as I call it.

Every day, society says we have to do certain things to merit anything. If I were a young adult, it would be to wake up, get ready for school, go to school, go to after school club activities, go home, do homework, sleep. Repeat this until college and the process is pretty similar. Work once out of college -- the process again is quite similar.

But I'm tired of that. I'm tired of the 9-5 job. I feel like I'm just being wasteful of my time. And not actually doing anything productive.

I want something that motivates me. To push me to my limits because its challenging.

When I was asked before what was my passion, my automatic answer was writing. I love to write. But writing itself has become a chore. Now, it's more an outlet for me than anything else. I sing, too. (I do sing on key and quite lovely, mind you).

My passion now are kids... I want to raise my own kids. I want to teach them songs and languages. Share with them my voracious appetite for reading. And I don't know when we will have kids. Hopefully soon. Maybe.

Maybe I should reach out to JK Rowling and see if she can point me to a direction where I can get my stories published. Hmm.

Rough night part 2

Not sure if it's part two or part three.

Either way, I had another rough night. I opened up somewhat to him about my dark thoughts and what I'm feeling like ...that I don't feel like myself. We were both up and not able to sleep. Especially him as he was throwing up for the most part. Me? I had kept my insides from exploding outward and now I feel as I'm about to implode because I had refused myself from throwing up.

It helped me some that I didn't really eat the day before nor have I visited the toilet to do number two, which just tells me my system is out of whack. It isn't normal as it was.

We haven't been able to sleep. I have had my fair share of insomnia but this time it feels ...different. I'm out of place. The sense of belonging is not ...

I just want some quality sleep, undisclosed and undistured. I wish I knew if my hideout place is available... though I can't remember where it is.

I gave him two of my anti nausea pills...maybe it'll work for him. Fingers crossed.

Rough Night

About how many times a day do you think one person contemplates about ending their life? About how many times a day do you think someone stares at a knife that's pointed to their pulsing blue veins on their wrists? About how many times a day do you think someone actually does it and whether or not this someone wakes up in a hospital bed or not wake up at all ... about how many times do you think any of these happens? 

I can go and research statistics for you, if I were so inclined to do so, but the reason why I'm asking is because I thought about it just minutes ago in the shower. While I was under a barrage of constant water pouring out of shower head, I thought about it. I looked down at my wrists and saw its pulsing blue veins against my pale yellow skin and thought how it would look like if red suddenly came pouring out and trickled down my hands that were against my chest and how the water would dilute its redness into a pinkish tone. I thought about how he would find me and without a moment's hesitation try to do anything in the attempt to save the life that was literally escaping me. I thought oh shit, this is really happening when in reality, it wasn't. 

There are no tell-tale cuts on my skin. Just a really, really blue vein on both my left and right wrists, taunting me that they are indeed right here, waiting for something to happen to them.

The sight of blood excites/fascinates and appalls me all at the same time. If it was my blood trickling out, I honestly would faint from it all. However, I'd  probably slip into a fantasy world where I would still be contemplating my inevitable end. 

I have had rough nights. Rough nights where I wished I wasn't a coward and actually did what I thought of in my head: where the betraying knife actually sliced through and I would have felt that split indecision that I shouldn't have done it but since I started, might as well finish... where I'm laying in the tub with a half cocked gun ready to put a permanent hole ...where the doors were left unlocked to the house unbeknownst to me and a drugged out burglar would come in and accidentally kill me because I spooked him because I came out of my hiding place ... I have these thoughts and there's no point in lying but I am ready to die. 

The world would go on with or without me and I would prefer if I weren't among the living anymore because I don't feel alive. I know I don't feel alive. I feel as if I'm just here. Doing absolutely nothing and just taking precious breaths that someone more worthy could. 

I look out the window and see the nation's flag sway gently with the wind. This may be the land of the free, but it is not. Not now. Yes, I have a roof over my head and a vehicle I can drive to and from places. Yes, there's food and water and whatever else a free person might want. But I don't feel free. In fact, I feel shackled to this existence. This isn't where I belong. But if that is the case, where do I go? Where do I go to feel as if I belonged? 

The saying "fake it until you make it" is such a stupid one. We shouldn't even have to do that. But we do. No one person I know is genuinely happy. They might act happy, but no. I don't believe anyone to be happy with their lot in life. Everyone is stuck in a place and I for one would want to know how to be unstuck. I want to feel like the free person I am supposed to be. I want to feel that the world is indeed my oyster. I want to feel anything else but what I'm feeling the last few weeks. 

It's either that or subject myself to oral medication where then everything I feel would be whitewashed and subdued into a subspace of nothingness. I feel too much and I don't have the will to just not care and pretend that I'm okay. Because I know I am not. 

My eyes cannot lie. My words can. My thoughts cannot. My body language is screaming and no one hears. I guess its why I write. Even if my words cannot always tell the truth, there is some truth within the letters, phrases... within the sentences and paragraphs themselves. 

One look at me and you would think oh, she's got it all. 

But I don't have it all. I don't have anything really. I'm just here. Quietly unraveling for all to see but no one really takes it in. No one actually sees that I'm drowning. 

I'm doing my best at threading water. Eventually, my legs will tire and I will go below the surface. 

The only question that remains is when. 

IDK

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I wake up, go through the motions and then, what? 

What happens after you are done with training at a job that may or may not be your career? What happens when you've achieved nothing and everything in your life? What happens then? 

I don't suppose anyone has a clear answer to this, but for me, I would like to know. I know that I haven't achieved everything in my life. I am not a mother to any children and I know I want to be. I am not a wife to anyone, and I know I want to be one. I am a girlfriend of someone whom I love very much, but where does it become more? I am a daughter to a woman who didn't give me birth to me, and I am more or less a disappointment because I don't call often nor did I become a lawyer. I have experience in law, information technology, and healthcare but I am not any of those positions. 

I am more or less a customer service professional with an aptitude to do anything and everything. I can do a lot with the right training, but where does the effort end up going? 

I am an unpublished writer struggling to write anything nowadays because I no longer have the motivation or inspiration to do so. I am just me, going through the motions and wondering if anything I do is even worth it. 

I just don't know.

I am at a loss of what to do and where to go from here -- where is here? 

thoughts...

I don't know what to do. About two to three months ago, I started a new job which is very similar to what I did previously at Covance. I'm helping patients with this company's products: they call in and I troubleshoot their concerns -- and I think I'm making a difference, but I really don't know if I am.

It's a customer service focused role like what most of my previous roles were. Except it's not me. Now, don't get me: I like that I'm helping people and the people I work with aren't too bad. But the work environment? It isn't me.

Just like how the project coordinator role I had previous to this one or any of the ones I have been in before; but in my heart, I know none of those roles are me. They are just 'jobs' and not a career. I'm surprised I managed to stay at Covance for as long as I did (I'm thinking now that even though then I didn't know I wasn't going to be lifer there, maybe management did and that's why they never let promoted :shrugs: maybe? I don't know. I know that role wasn't for me either.)

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to make something of myself; just don't know what exactly. I like helping people. I like interacting to an extent; I do get exhausted and tired quicker than most and I know it's because I don't want to be around people all the time.

I'm an introvert. I know how to socialize but I am most happy when I'm not in a big group. I can fake it as if I like being sociable, though. I just crash when I get home.

I want to be a mom. And I'm an unpublished writer for many, many years now since I haven't published anything since my college years. I have some IT experience as well as project management. I have some supervisory/mentor experience. I have a lot of experience in a few different industries and so far, I haven't found my niche.

I haven't found me and I feel lost. Every day, I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. As if I'm waiting for something -- and this something is going to be big. I just don't know what it is.

Lately, I have been feeling nauseated. About fifty percent of the time, I do end up vomiting. The other half its just dry heaving. I've taken home pregnancy tests and so far, one was positive (faint line) while the other times were all negative so I'm not sure what's going on. I have headaches and my emotions are all over the place. My taste is off -- most liquids taste metallic to me and that's weird. I don't have an appetite, but I get annoyed with the headaches. I'm tired all the time. I have trouble sleeping.

Just ... I feel as if I'm no longer aligned with the Universe and I'm just going through the motions. Just .... I find myself wondering what-ifs. What if I didn't miscarry when I was 19? What if I had ended being married to him? Or him? What if I never left the Philippines? What ifs followed by more questions.

I have more questions than I do answers.

What if my biological parents never abandoned me? What if I weren't adopted into this family? Nothing is as simple as it appears. I feel as if I'm just .... here. And where is here anyways in the grand scheme of things?

I don't drink anymore because I don't know if I am or not. I take prenatal vitamins, too.

I wonder if I'll ever get to where I'm supposed to be. I don't think where I am now is where I should be, but I don't even know where I should go. I think I know who I am. I just don't feel as if I belong anywhere. I feel as if I'm lost.

Aimlessly wandering. Just here. Existing.