Saturday, June 27, 2015

thirty days ....

The 30 days challenge of YOU is coming to a close. And this entire past week -- I spent hours to myself and hours with someone who I really, really like. And he likes me back. It's mutual.

I can't even put into words how he makes me feel.
I hope I make him feel the same way, too.

I like hearing his voice. I like being in his arms.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

I'm not sure what to title this one...

But here I go.

The fact that I have a stomach bug doesn't stop me at all in trying to write down my thoughts. My thoughts are always flowing, and sometimes, they are overflowing. I've always been a thinker, but in that same token, I am also a feeler.

Even as a child, I always felt more than an average child should. Couple that with thinking too much, it becomes overwhelming.

I need to start carrying a notebook and pen because I cannot type my thoughts as fast as I would like on my smartphone. Sometimes, my mind goes completely blank, but I can still feel the words are there, just waiting to bubble up again in the most inappropriate moment.

Let me give you an example: I'm at work. I work for a pharmaceutical company that creates a miracle drug one day at a time. I may be speaking to a patient and during the course of the conversation, I'll have this thought that's nibbling on my ear, dying to be written out --- which I acknowledge it. But once the conversation with the patient is over, and I have time to write -- the thought that was nibbling my ear is no longer there. And you know what? It's so damn frustrating.

I don't know how many thoughts I've lost that way... and the thoughts itself could have become one of the greatest stories ever.

It makes me wonder.

Before I was able to write thoughts down while doing something else. Now? I have to basically "lose" myself into the character, into that character's story...

I don't know how to harness my thoughts any more, and that's becoming a problem. I wonder if I can find somewhere online that can help. I feel as if I should just write whatever comes to mind... should I? Sometimes, I wish I can just let go. But it's so hard to do that. Is there an off switch that I can tap into? That may be helpful.

Sometimes, when I can't write whatever it is that I'm trying to -- I end up sketching/drawing it out. There are times when the time literally runs away from me. Like I don't recall ever moving from the same spot I've been sitting in for hours on end. It might be 9am, but then the next time I look up, it'll be 2pm.

Free writing is amazing. I have come up with some of the best things while submerged into that. Maybe I should find a writing workshop class. Hmm. That may be worth looking into it. Because how I am now -- with the thoughts just flowing -- I really need to harness them. Or find another creative medium such as painting -- haven't done that in ages. I need colored pencils, sketchbooks, and writing pads. I prefer legal pads, but hmm.

I also find myself humming a song that sounds familiar and not familiar at the same time.... its driving me crazy but not really. It's kind of comforting. Just like singing. Singing along with a song you know and you can't help but bust it out like your own.

I feel like my creative juices are waiting to bust out and I can't help but want them to --- containing them is becoming a task and I don't like having a task I can never complete. Writing is an ongoing project and I think it'll only end when the story within me decides that it is complete, which it hasn't decided so I guess I get to suffer...

but is it really suffering? Hmm. Writing is sustenance in its own way for me.... it has been awhile since the creative juices have been going, though. Has there been a change in my life? To cause such a leak? Or river I guess now. I feel like I'm swimming or trying to swim because at this time, I'm just flowing to wherever it is going to lead me.

That is also worth a thought... won't you stay with me for awhile?

There are so many thoughts I want to capture and write, but it's harder than I thought it would be. It's tricky. It's an awesome feeling though when I do catch one and start writing.

It's an overwhelming feeling that I need to capture and get going ... because there's a story, a book that's waiting to be written and I can't wait for it to be finished.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

still on a hiatus ...

day 14-18 ...

I have a stomach bug and have been worshiping the porcelain throne. It sucks.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

sorry for my brief hiatus...

Days 9-13 (with today being day 13) ....

The last several days have been amazing. I can't really say or write how I feel. It's just ... just be. :) Have a good week ahead everyone.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

day 8

30 day challenge is all about giving an hour devoted entirely to yourself...

And honestly? I have been giving myself not an entire hour -- it is more like thirty minutes. Or forty-five minutes. Or an hour and thirty. Or two... yea. Sometimes, I'm a little short. Or a little over. Either way, I'm learning a lot. And writing. A lot. Meditating, too.

There's so much that I didn't know but I feel as if I know now. Or beginning to know. It's quite exhilarating.

I haven't written much in the past couple of days because I've been busy. But, even though I get busy, I remember to set aside at least an hour. For myself.

I suggest everyone do it. I know, I know --- we are all busy, but that one hour really does change something withing --- it kind of opens a door that you might not even know you had locked away.

Anyways, just something to think about :smiles:

Saturday, June 6, 2015

30 day challenge - day 5, 6, 7

Day 5 ---- I went for a really long run and could've gone for more had I not gotten a leg cramp.
Day 6 is today -- I put in days off for vacation. Now, I just need to figure out where I'm going :) I also meditated early this morning.
Day 7 ----- woke up bright and early to go and bring my friend Jenn to the airport. Then, got my hair highlighted. Went for a jog and found myself lost, but luckily for me I had my iPhone so yay for GPS.

Go Hawks --- the series is tied. Woohoo. And since L and I haven't decided to be serious with one another, I guess I'm going on a date w/ J (also, from the same online dating site) ... dating is confusing. More confusing than math. LOL.

Anyways, I probably should try to go to bed soon ... or something. Since I've been awake as of 4am and didn't really sleep --- just napped for an hour and a half. Then watched the Hawks play against Lightning ... s/w J practically the entire time. Wondering about L.

And looking up apartments ... gah.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

30 day challenge of YOU - day 4

I went for a walk when I got home. Had an early jog this morning, too.

All in all ---- I've been thinking. Trying not to over-think. Ha. But, my thoughts tonight I will keep to myself as hmmm.

Anyways, what a beautiful night it is :) Good night beautiful people!

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

30 day of challenge - day 3

What are you waiting for? I've been asking myself this question quite frequently lately.

When I was younger - like around 5 years old, maybe younger than that - when I was younger, I wanted to become an astronaut. Why? Because I like the stars that twinkled in the sky. I always wondered what happened to them when it was storming or always wondered why they went away when it was cloudy. Later on, I came to find out that the stars were always there. They never really went away. They were just covered for however long it was while it rained or while it was cloudy.

That didn't change my mind. In fact, sometimes I still want to be an astronaut --- except I don't want to go back to school to get a degree in that field.

I just want to dance with the stars. Or be among them. I find those objects in the sky fascinating. I used to try to count them, too, which is absurd. There's no way I could have counted all the stars.... I can try, though.

I can always try, right? But --- I had a realization today. It sort of just hit me as that is what an epiphany does. Yet, I don't want to acknowledge it. But who am I kidding? My rational self doesn't want to, but I'm certain my heart already knows...

my gut is talking, but I can only hears its uncertainty. Typically, my gut is spot-on with things, but this ----- it doesn't know. Should it wait a little more? Should I chalk it up to impatience? Maybe I should take a leap of faith here.

I've already broken the pattern, and in the very least, there are signs. Though, I have someone who tells me that they are just coincidences.   I'm trying very hard not to jump into any conclusions, but that epiphany this afternoon -- that epiphany makes me think. And I have a bad habit of over-thinking.

If I could shut it off, and just be able to live in the moment... it's not wise to always be in the moment, but at least I wouldn't be over-thinking. Maybe. Most likely not over-thinking, I think.

Writing sometimes can help me sort things out ... but lately, it hasn't. Or if it has, I don't see it as helping. It just confirms some things that I realized today. I don't know where to go from here. I know what I want. It's the whole "what are you waiting for?" crap ..................... physically, I appear to be in control. Then, there's the emotional state followed by mental ... the only thing I'm sure of is that physically --- I'm getting better. My mental isn't too bad... It's my emotions that throw me a for a loop!

I.... am ............. a little sleepy. It's like I'm awake but I'm looking down at myself doing something else ------

These last few months --- it's been a whirlwind of stuff. I wish I knew where I was going from here. A direction would be nice. To point me in the right path. Hopefully, I can just intersect whatever it is, but knowing how my life has been .... it probably won't.


Monday, June 1, 2015

30 days of challenge - day 2

It has to be the romantic in me. All these wishes, thoughts, and whatever else it may be that is making me like this --- nay, feel like this --- I blame the romantic in me.

I thought the romantic in me died. I thought I was a cynical, jaded being. That has become very aloof, but I guess that was just me wishing that I have. Because once that other shoe falls, though .... I wonder if I'll once more become cynical and jaded.

Love, lust. Is there a way to differentiate those two any more? I know most people fall in love with infatuation. I don't think 'love at first sight' occur - it is more 'lust at first sight' but even as I say that, I want to believe that 'love at first' does happen. Again, it is the ever hopeful romantic in me.

I never did like being labeled as 'hopeless romantic' ----- I do believe 'hopeful romantic' is a better saying.

And I've said this before - I don't think I've ever fallen in love. Definitely experienced the love unrequited. But to fall in love with someone who reciprocates the same --- yea, that hasn't happened. Now, wit that said, falling in lust who reciprocates the same - that has happened more than once.

I just want to know what I have to do to fall in love and have someone reciprocate the feeling ... what does one have to do to make that happen?

Or does it happen to certain individuals? If so, what did they do to deserve to be so lucky/miserable?

Love is. Same goes for joy, hope. Lust. But love is the most powerful of all of them. I just know that we need more than just love. Love is a luxury. Love is something unexplained ----- emotions and all, yes, they do help in the interpretation, but there is so much more to love....

And I just want to experience it. I know that a lot of people like sunsets over sunrises. (I agree for the most part) --------- sunrises are just amazing. It's when the world is full of promise.