Saturday, June 20, 2015

I'm not sure what to title this one...

But here I go.

The fact that I have a stomach bug doesn't stop me at all in trying to write down my thoughts. My thoughts are always flowing, and sometimes, they are overflowing. I've always been a thinker, but in that same token, I am also a feeler.

Even as a child, I always felt more than an average child should. Couple that with thinking too much, it becomes overwhelming.

I need to start carrying a notebook and pen because I cannot type my thoughts as fast as I would like on my smartphone. Sometimes, my mind goes completely blank, but I can still feel the words are there, just waiting to bubble up again in the most inappropriate moment.

Let me give you an example: I'm at work. I work for a pharmaceutical company that creates a miracle drug one day at a time. I may be speaking to a patient and during the course of the conversation, I'll have this thought that's nibbling on my ear, dying to be written out --- which I acknowledge it. But once the conversation with the patient is over, and I have time to write -- the thought that was nibbling my ear is no longer there. And you know what? It's so damn frustrating.

I don't know how many thoughts I've lost that way... and the thoughts itself could have become one of the greatest stories ever.

It makes me wonder.

Before I was able to write thoughts down while doing something else. Now? I have to basically "lose" myself into the character, into that character's story...

I don't know how to harness my thoughts any more, and that's becoming a problem. I wonder if I can find somewhere online that can help. I feel as if I should just write whatever comes to mind... should I? Sometimes, I wish I can just let go. But it's so hard to do that. Is there an off switch that I can tap into? That may be helpful.

Sometimes, when I can't write whatever it is that I'm trying to -- I end up sketching/drawing it out. There are times when the time literally runs away from me. Like I don't recall ever moving from the same spot I've been sitting in for hours on end. It might be 9am, but then the next time I look up, it'll be 2pm.

Free writing is amazing. I have come up with some of the best things while submerged into that. Maybe I should find a writing workshop class. Hmm. That may be worth looking into it. Because how I am now -- with the thoughts just flowing -- I really need to harness them. Or find another creative medium such as painting -- haven't done that in ages. I need colored pencils, sketchbooks, and writing pads. I prefer legal pads, but hmm.

I also find myself humming a song that sounds familiar and not familiar at the same time.... its driving me crazy but not really. It's kind of comforting. Just like singing. Singing along with a song you know and you can't help but bust it out like your own.

I feel like my creative juices are waiting to bust out and I can't help but want them to --- containing them is becoming a task and I don't like having a task I can never complete. Writing is an ongoing project and I think it'll only end when the story within me decides that it is complete, which it hasn't decided so I guess I get to suffer...

but is it really suffering? Hmm. Writing is sustenance in its own way for me.... it has been awhile since the creative juices have been going, though. Has there been a change in my life? To cause such a leak? Or river I guess now. I feel like I'm swimming or trying to swim because at this time, I'm just flowing to wherever it is going to lead me.

That is also worth a thought... won't you stay with me for awhile?

There are so many thoughts I want to capture and write, but it's harder than I thought it would be. It's tricky. It's an awesome feeling though when I do catch one and start writing.

It's an overwhelming feeling that I need to capture and get going ... because there's a story, a book that's waiting to be written and I can't wait for it to be finished.

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