Sunday, April 17, 2016


Most of you know that I dream and very vividly I might add. Well, I happened to sleep last night though it was interrupted several times because I would wake up. Then fall back asleep feeling confused because I thought I was awake but ha, I was not. And look at that, I "wrote" down times and the dreams associated with it. Any dreamers on here know how to interpret?

121a I woke up because I thought you were here. I don't know who "you" is but I thought it was J because I fell asleep thinking of him and wanting to be held by him.

419a I woke up again because I felt a hand touch my shoulder.

550a I woke up for the third time because I heard something or someone saying something I couldn't make sense but there was an accompanying sound of whittling or scratching -I'm not entirely sure. I thought I heard someone say "mother" in informal Korean. Or it could be Chinese. Could be both. I don't know but I know for sure it wasn't Japanese.

801a I woke up to the name "dada" like a little kid was saying. A little boy to be more precise and I told the little boy whose name I said out loud "Johnny, daddy isn't here. Why don't you come in and cuddle with mommy?" And I swear I felt little hands go around my swollen belly followed by the cutest little boy voice telling me "it's okay mama, I'll be here to protect you and little sister." I felt him pat my belly and give me a wet kiss on the cheek, like he licked me.

This last dream I have been having but this time, it felt so real and waking up from it makes me sad, just a little. It's not an overwhelming sadness but sad enough to make tears appear unshed.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Relapse ...

So, it's official as of yesterday that I have a relapse. The "c" is back. Except no one knows where. It could be in my ovaries hence the miscarriages. Could be in my lungs as I've been coughing for far too long and I am not a smoker. Could be in my cervix again. Another barrage of tests as of yesterday were done, but the blood work (and why do they always take soooo much blood?) shows something ...that remission was short-lived.

I apologize now if I lose a ton of weight, or how gaunt I may look, or how paler I will be.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

let's not kid ourselves any more...

J and I are no longer together. I moved out and got a different place. The months we were together ... were the most intense I ever had.

To say that I loathe him would be over-statement. I actually cannot hate him. Though, my friends would say I should. I just can't.

A lot happened. I wrote a lot of poetry about it.

I've written a lot to be quite honest. And I find myself writing more. And crying. And being unable to sleep.

It has been an interesting phase... chapter. Losing twins. Finding myself once more. I didn't know I lost myself, but hey, I'm finally getting my feet under me.

I don't have anyone I can really talk to.... yea. Let's not kid ourselves any more.