Monday, August 7, 2017


I am at a crossroads, but before I attempt to talk about that..... the last couple of days have been weird in regards to dreams. 

Last night's dream~~ 

I was in a war-torn country? I was there to do something and I'm not entirely sure what it was, but I noticed that there were soldiers pretending to not look like soldiers walking around the buildings. I kept asking the leader or my friend -I think the person was a friend- what was going on and the friend kept saying it was a training exercise just in case insurgents decided to storm the place, which makes no sense to me. But I kept seeing these soldiers go in and out and "disappear" around the area... then something about explosives and bombs and the need to find out where they were started. There was a shower scene which made no sense. My comments about me being able to snipe and how this all felt like it was Modern Warfare or Call of Duty (mind you, I haven't played either one in such a long time) and then, I start to do exactly that.... I started scouting and looking around for stuff to disarm when I have no formal training. Found the hidden explosives, soldiers and such and was told to stand down but I saw a bunch of kids playing and I had to tell them to get the hell out of there because it was about to blow and then, there's a humvee or two ... so weird. 

And then, when I woke up yesterday, the dream I had was also odd~~ I was with a bunch of Asians whom I assume to be my family and his because there were a bunch of familiar faces, but I didn't really interact with them. We were all talking about fireworks and I said how the fireworks were better over Chicago's skyline and I think we were all at some beach house somewhere. And the guy that played Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air was there and I don't know why he was. And we were playing Mah-jong ----exactly how it should be played with four people and walls and such not like the matching game that most people think it is---- and it looked like we were in formal wear as if we just came from a wedding or something. ((I should have written this yesterday when the details were fresh))

In regards to the crossroads I was talking about ...have you ever felt as if you were being pulled in a more than one direction? 

It's what I feel right now. On the one hand, I .... I don't know. There's too much and nothing happening at the same time. 

Saturday, August 5, 2017


For once, I am not the one who is. He is. And it's his birthday weekend. Tomorrow, is Happy Hiroshima Day. Then his birthday on Monday.

I'm not entirely sure why he is unwell. All he has had today was a soylent drink (the coffee one) and he's been in the bathroom several times.

Last night, he finished a bottle of whiskey and drank beer. Hmm. I hope he gets to feeling better soon.

I know he's under a lot of stress, too, with his pending (upcoming) surgery in September. He didn't a lot of food today. None that I can tell.


Friday, August 4, 2017

Forever Love by JB (Dream Knight OST)

널 바라만 본다 넌 닿을 수 없다 마음만 그린다 
네 눈물이 내린 밤 전할 수 없던 my love 이제는 말할게 

전하고 싶은 첫번째 더 이상 아프지 않기 
그대 넘어져도 내가 먼저 이 손 건네줄게요
전하고 싶은 두번째 절대 혼자 울지 않기 
그대 환한 그 미소 지켜줄게요 난 Forever in your heart 

나 떠나야 한다 난 숨죽여 울다 마음을 지운다 
내 추억이 맺힌 밤 전하게 되는 Goodbye 하기 싫은 그 말

전하게 되는 첫번째 더 이상 아프지 않기 
그대 넘어져도 내가 이젠 이 손 줄 수 없잖아 
전하게 되는 두번째 절대 혼자 울지 않기 
그대 곁에 없어도 잊지 말아요 난 Forever in your heart

어쩌면 힘들지 몰라 이별 앞에서 안녕이라는 말
다짐했었지만 자꾸만 맴돌아 네 입술만 보다 전한다

전하고 싶은 마지막 행복했었다는 그 말
그대 곁에서 나 선물처럼 함께 할 수 있어서
사랑해 못다 전한 말 벌써 보고 싶다는 말

안녕이라 말해도 멀지 않아요 난 Forever in your heart

Forever Love by JB <<<< hear it from Youtube

what to say...

I don't like shopping. Yes, I know. I'm a woman and I just said I don't like to go shopping.

For me, the reason why I don't like it is because it's too time-consuming. Even if I have a list of what I need to get, I rarely not leave a store without something I didn't intend to purchase.

Not only do I hate shopping, I loathe going clothes shopping or shoe shopping or anything related to shopping. Sometimes, I get antsy with book shopping. Or music shopping. I just don't have it in me to shop.

I can think of better ways to spend my time. Like reading, singing, listening to music, writing, drawing.... anything else but shopping, I will do.

And it isn't as if I don't have any patience because I do. It's the act of shopping. The act of making choices and trying not to second guess my choices. That is what I'm having a problem with maybe?

I'm not entirely sure. I would rather stay in bed reading a perfectly mediocre book than go shopping. I think this is why I find house hunting so annoying. Because in an essence I am shopping for a house.

.... and house hunting for a  house by a river is hard. And it has to have a great kitchen. And a room he can turn into his man cave.

But really --- I hate shopping.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Self doubt

did I make the right decision by accepting the first offer?

stuff and the like

If you and I talk in RL, then you know I've been looking for a job. And you would also know that I have had interviews and such, too.

So, I did get an offer from one. It pays $19.15 hourly for 40 hours a week and it is paid on a weekly basis. That's roughly about $37,999 annually. This position is similar to what I did at Covance, but in the same instance, it is not. It is through an agency (hence the weekly pay). I've done some research on the actual company and it looks like I'm actually getting paid slightly higher than if I were hired on directly; though, I do believe the pay scale depends on experience, and if I were to go from contract to permanent, my actual salary is going to be higher than most due to experience and such. They actually want me to start next week which is unheard of because they still have to do a background check and the like for me.... not entirely sure what's going on there. I know when I used to work for the US Mint, that I had to do a fingerprint session to obtain security clearance (and honestly, I don't know if that clearance is still valid).

Now, I have had other interviews with other companies, too. One is through an agency as well and it pays lower than the aforementioned job above, but the job itself is entirely different from what I used to do when I was with Covance. And the other job I interviewed with for a mortgage company that has not so stellar reviews on Glassdoor, but pays starting $30-$40 hourly, which is roughly $62,400 I think annually ((I know, I know -- I can check the math on this since I am on the Internet already, but I wouldn't want to be bogged down with numbers and the like))....

Today, I have two interviews slated. One is for a Program Assistant position and the other is something similar to Covance once again, but in actual facility like a hospital/clinic setting. The Program Assistant interview I don't believe I will be included in the next process of interviews because 1) I just woke up and was not as alert, 2) pretty sure she wasn't impressed with me whatsoever, and that's fine. But if for some reason I am included in the next steps of interviews, the start date for that is sometime in September.

All the other jobs have a later start date this month. I just don't know where I stand with them because I have yet to hear back.

I'm just not sure where I should go from here. It's good to have options, but that offer --- they want an answer by 2:30pm today.

I don't know if I should go ahead and accept or wait. But waiting may hurt me in the end because I honestly don't know how the others are thinking. Maybe I should flip a coin. Or just go with it. Not sure what to do. Just .... hmm...

Wednesday, August 2, 2017


I woke up today and I didn't want to do anything. Like I laid in bed and thought to myself that I don't want to write, either. 

I have plenty to say, but most of my days now, I don't talk to anyone which I like. I like silence. Where is my salvation? From wanting to write as much as I was breathing to this... stagnant and unmoving. 

Not entirely sure what I need to do to jump-start my need to write. 

I'll give it a few, and sit back down again. To try later.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

it's the first of the month...

Can you believe it's already August? 

This year has certainly flew by. I just got back from an interview, and it feels  like I nailed it. I do have a few other phone interviews left. But I do hope I get one of them. 

I'm waiting on the maids to arrive as it is their scheduled day to come and clean. 

I need to read some more and outline some more for my short story. I'm currently waiting on my books to arrive so that I can read and then do a book review. 

I may eat some lunch first or drink some coffee. One of the two.