Thursday, July 27, 2017

there is no title to this one; just thoughts 0727

I didn't write (as much) yesterday. I wrote some ideas in regards to a story I want to do (there's a deadline of 8/25/17 at 11:50PM Pacific time for it!), watched NCIS reruns, and hung out with my best friend (whose birthday is this weekend).

I don't like feeling how I have been feeling the last few days, but that's how it goes for me...... I will get this surge of productivity and then, it'll putter out of existence. But it does eventually show up. And the cycle continues.

I did a typing test last night. It's a prerequisite for a job. I did well and now waiting for yet another phone interview before the actual face-to-face one. The pay isn't that great, but it will be weekly paid with paid parking downtown. And it's something to do in the meantime.

What I'd like to do is working remotely. Working from home would be great. I don't have to deal with people on a daily basis -- well, not deal with people face-to-face because let's face it: small talk is just the worst. It's a forced conversation between two strangers who really could careless what the other one feels.

If I could choose what to do, I would be a stay-at-home mom raising our children while writing on the side. My biological clock is ticking and it is ticking loud. And fast. We both want kids. He travels all the time, though, and we can't always get the timing right, either. And we don't have relations as often as we would like. But someday -- hopefully soon.

It's raining where I am. It feels absolutely drowsy and grey out there. The raindrops falling are going down straight due to lack of a breeze. It's a steady rain. Quietly blanketing the whole area until its drenched. Wet, sticky air, too. Humid. It's a peaceful yet sad feeling.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Thinking out loud...

This is just me rambling out loud because as I said-- I normally live inside my head. The wheels in there are always churning.

I've been thinking a lot lately and trying to figure out where I am in the grand scheme of things because I want to know where I'm going with my life.

Have you spoken to me a year or two ago the answer I would have given would vastly be different as to what that answer may be now. And the truth is in my young age I still don't know what I want to be  when I grow up. Biological clock aside, I really do want to be a mother. I want to carry his/her inside my womb for the requisite time and give birth (probably with an epidural or a c-section or both). I wan to be there for him/her when they get their first tooth, first scrapes because daddy is teaching the how to throw/catch a ball, first kiss, first heartbreak, first failing grade(s) because he/she is my child and I know he/she is will be a dreamer and probably forget more than one time about finishing their homework on time or submitting it ...whatever the case, I want to be there as much as I can.

I don't doubt I'll probably be the parent that "mothers" their kid to where he/she will come to dislike me but he/she will always know I'm there for them. My love is and forever be unwavering.

I wish that I could fast forward time to where I'm pregnant and nesting and just being a mom. If you had known me maybe a few years back, all this talk would have never come out of mouth.

As before, I had a tough time with my life. A part of me wishes cancer would have kicked my butt but somehow I prevailed. I am amazingly still alive. And yes, I know. I am the same person that a couple of days ago wished I was dead.

I still have the same dark thoughts. They are ever present in the fringes of my mind. Just like how I've been constipated for the past weekend, the feeling of wrongness still weighs in my head.

Again, I'm just rambling here. I want to be a mother. I want a career not a job. I want to create things, write stories. I want my life to make sense. I want to feel as if I'm doing something with my life and lately nothing makes sense. At least not to me.

Does anything make sense to you?


Anyone familiar with PageHabit's a monthly book subscription service. I just signed up for to receive their August Romance box. And once I receive the books, I might do book reviews on a book or two from the box I received.

Should be interesting to say the least. And the fact that August is around the corner...

Is anyone else on a monthly subscription to receive things? I'm also a part of the HAK community -- Hunt A Killer but in full disclosure: I've only opened up one box and I have received three out of the six that is supposed to be sent to me. I figure once I have all the boxes I will open all at once and have at it.

On another note, I definitely live in my head. I will have full blown conversations with my characters in my head and not once stop and think that I should probably write some of these thoughts down.

A snippet

He is walking around with a cane as his right foot throbs in pain. Looks like a swollen ankle isn't going to help things, either.

I am sitting here, trying to figure out why I'm still here. Where do I go from here? I can hear him struggling to walk and he asks me if I'm okay.

Okay is such a loaded word.