Wǒ xiǎngniàn nǐ

I miss you. 

There. I said it and now, I'm writing about it, too. You make so aware and in the same instance, I feel very lost. I don't know if I should stay the course, or leave. Shall I stay on this or go? You tell me to go, but your actions do not mirror your words. It is as if you want to test my limits and see how far I can take. 

I told you I would take care of you, and I have. I will continue to do so if you would let me. You keep asking me the same questions. I give you the same answers and yet, you still cannot understand what I'm saying, so I let my actions speak for me --- but it's as if you play dumb and tell me you don't get it and other times, I know you get it but you still say you don't. 

Which is it? You ask me if tou were to move, would I move with you. You know the answer to that and I told you myself is yes, and then, the topic is tabled for a different time. 

If actions were enough, I wouldn't be in such a deep internal conversation with myself trying to figure what exactly you mean, and it would be nice if I could just ask you, but you probably don't know either. 

So, again --- here I am, writing these thoughts down before I drive myself crazy. But I know this ----- I miss you. Wǒ xiǎngniàn nǐ.

Here I Am Again....

So, Mr J will be gone for a couple of weeks? He has a conference in the east coast and when he gets done with that, he has music festival he will be going to and right after that, he will be flying out to SLC for work and won't be back til 9/18 but turns around again and flies out 9/20 back to SLC... Yea, he travels a lot for his chosen profession, while I stay in town and commute to work M-F and occasionally I do overtime which means I lose a day of my weekend.

Yet, the reason why I'm writing this --- before Mr J, I met L. L and I also had chemistry, but the main difference between L and J is even though J is bad at communicating, he is trying. I would like to talk to Mr J more even though most of my work involves being on the phone all day and frankly, I dislike small talk. But even if Mr J was talking to me about the weather or something as mundane as that subject, the sound of his voice makes my heart beat just a little faster. I love the way he enfolds me in his arms and makes me feel safe. I love his surprise lick attacks. I love how he holds my hands when we are watching s movie, a TV show...I love how he lays his head on my lap to take a nap. I love that mysterious smile of his.

I can talk about Mr J for hours on end. But I'm still learning things about him. He makes me think to no end. This Saturday, I would have known Mr J for three months.

In the short span of the last few months, I have come to know a lot about him. And he has come to know a lot about me. And I know I shared a secret or two and I don't know if I should have, but I know that I feel lighter somehow.

I wish I knew what was going on in his head. Sometimes, I wish I understood why I feel the way I do.   It's a puzzle. I respond to him like no other. Mr J stimulates my mind and my body ...well, I know I'm his. And no one else.

And right now, I just want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice. I never knew a bed could feel so empty. I'm sprawled diagonally on it, and I wish I had his arms around me.

Here I am again

....thinking.

Things I want to say ............

But instead, I decide not to say a word to anyone. Why? Because some things are better left unspoken. Though, some things have been unintentionally spoken (I think). 

I thought I had a good handle on my emotions. I could say - for the most part, I do. Yet, that would be a lie of epic proportions, too. I wish I could just turn off my emotions. An on-and-off switch would be great. 

Times like this one all I want is to disappear. 

Disappearing sounds pretty good. Go anywhere else and have a new start. It's not that I'm running away, but I guess it could definitely appear as if I am. I just want to get away from the thoughts and feelings that I am being bombarded with ... or am I being overly dramatic? 

The things I want to say... my Mr. J comes to mind first. I want to share my confusion, which is very odd because the confusion is mixed with some certainty, too. The future is right there, but I should focus in the present. And the past? My past has been haunting me so much the past several days that I'm not exactly sure what to make of that...

And the dreams I have been having! It's more like a scene out of a movie. So detailed but every time I want to get closer, my vision gets blurry. 

I have things to say to family, friends... coworkers... 

And yet, I keep it all inside --- within me, I have no idea if that is a good idea or not. 

My thoughts are inundated with so many ... I can't figure out why there is a lot of confusion. On the surface, I appear calm and collected. On the inside? It isn't turmoil. It's a whirlwind of everything. 

Everything. 

My thoughts have a way of leaking out. On its own, it streams to my consciousness and my day-to-day life. 

Thoughts...

My mind is always busy. It is never quiet in there. I myself may appear quite the silent, observing type, but my mind is never quiet.

Quiet is an adjective that has often been used to describe me. "Oh, Mel? Yea, she's pretty quiet. Keeps to herself. Doesn't get in anyone's business."

While this may be very true, I happen to also be the haborer of secrets. You wouldn't believe the secrets I know about people, and I often wondered why people always told me things that the general population do not know (general population here beingn used as a term to describe a group of friends/coworkers/acquaintances/what have you) ...

Here's the thing about me: I don't say things unless I think it is necessary. I don't just blurt things out loud. Although, on more than one occasion, I have been very tempted to "spill the beans" as the saying goes.

And I'm faced with a plethora of problems because some things I've been told I should probably say something about (and no, no one has confessed a murder to me or anything like that dire) but since I was trusted enough to be shared their secrets --- I suppose I should keep what I was told under lock and key.

Yet --my biggest thing right now is I want peace and silence, but my mind will not let me have it. My mind keeps yapping away and frankly, my mind is giving me a migraine --which thinking on that statement since my mind is part of me ---this just boils down to me giving myself a migraine ////sighs

You see, I have always felt more; I'm very in-tune with my emotional side whereas my more logical, rational side I don't really think on too much err rely? I've learned the hard way that I need to be more balanced and while I appear that I am, nothing can be more further from the truth. I'm an emotion person. Always going with my reckless heart because my brainy self didn't make much sense. And I'm at a crossroads in my life ---one of many that I have had the unpleasantness to come upon once again ---and I don't know what to do.

Surely there is a way out of this mess, right? What I would like is for both to come to an understanding --where my heart and head have actually coalesced into one because then I wouldn't feel as troubled or feel as if I'm betraying one for the other... But Life itself doesn't work that way.

There is no black and white. Where I am right now is lost amidst the greys. I can talk on hours in this, but I won't because I will be going around in circles. Instead, I will stay where I am at this pivotal crossroads and maybe, just maybe, my heart and my mind would come to an agreement of sorts.

I tell you; being me is dangerous. Always thinking because my mind won't shut up. However, I don't say a lot. I tend to write my scattered thoughts out and the feelings that come along with sometimes make themselves known...

And Life these past couple of months have been quite a ride. Not entirely sure if I want to keep on this journey, but my feelings have made themselves known loud and clear ---and what that is, well, that's an inner conversation that is ongoing.

I've already told that I won't say it any more. Because it's moot right now. Doesn't matter how I feel because I can feel all I want and not get the same back. Just like how my mind jabbers away on whatever it wants because again, my heart feels while my mind thinks and overthinks and so on and what-not.

I've given myself a timeframe. My best friend knows this. And I don't know... I know it would be worth it, but there's that probability that it won't.

My thoughts scatter and my feeling stay steady. I'm not entirely sure I understand what exactly is going on, and I should...I feel like a third wheel to what my heart and my mind are feeling/thinking ////sighs