My mind is always busy. It is never quiet in there. I myself may appear quite the silent, observing type, but my mind is never quiet.
Quiet is an adjective that has often been used to describe me. "Oh, Mel? Yea, she's pretty quiet. Keeps to herself. Doesn't get in anyone's business."
While this may be very true, I happen to also be the haborer of secrets. You wouldn't believe the secrets I know about people, and I often wondered why people always told me things that the general population do not know (general population here beingn used as a term to describe a group of friends/coworkers/acquaintances/what have you) ...
Here's the thing about me: I don't say things unless I think it is necessary. I don't just blurt things out loud. Although, on more than one occasion, I have been very tempted to "spill the beans" as the saying goes.
And I'm faced with a plethora of problems because some things I've been told I should probably say something about (and no, no one has confessed a murder to me or anything like that dire) but since I was trusted enough to be shared their secrets --- I suppose I should keep what I was told under lock and key.
Yet --my biggest thing right now is I want peace and silence, but my mind will not let me have it. My mind keeps yapping away and frankly, my mind is giving me a migraine --which thinking on that statement since my mind is part of me ---this just boils down to me giving myself a migraine ////sighs
You see, I have always felt more; I'm very in-tune with my emotional side whereas my more logical, rational side I don't really think on too much err rely? I've learned the hard way that I need to be more balanced and while I appear that I am, nothing can be more further from the truth. I'm an emotion person. Always going with my reckless heart because my brainy self didn't make much sense. And I'm at a crossroads in my life ---one of many that I have had the unpleasantness to come upon once again ---and I don't know what to do.
Surely there is a way out of this mess, right? What I would like is for both to come to an understanding --where my heart and head have actually coalesced into one because then I wouldn't feel as troubled or feel as if I'm betraying one for the other... But Life itself doesn't work that way.
There is no black and white. Where I am right now is lost amidst the greys. I can talk on hours in this, but I won't because I will be going around in circles. Instead, I will stay where I am at this pivotal crossroads and maybe, just maybe, my heart and my mind would come to an agreement of sorts.
I tell you; being me is dangerous. Always thinking because my mind won't shut up. However, I don't say a lot. I tend to write my scattered thoughts out and the feelings that come along with sometimes make themselves known...
And Life these past couple of months have been quite a ride. Not entirely sure if I want to keep on this journey, but my feelings have made themselves known loud and clear ---and what that is, well, that's an inner conversation that is ongoing.
I've already told that I won't say it any more. Because it's moot right now. Doesn't matter how I feel because I can feel all I want and not get the same back. Just like how my mind jabbers away on whatever it wants because again, my heart feels while my mind thinks and overthinks and so on and what-not.
I've given myself a timeframe. My best friend knows this. And I don't know... I know it would be worth it, but there's that probability that it won't.
My thoughts scatter and my feeling stay steady. I'm not entirely sure I understand what exactly is going on, and I should...I feel like a third wheel to what my heart and my mind are feeling/thinking ////sighs