Tuesday, June 2, 2015

30 day of challenge - day 3

What are you waiting for? I've been asking myself this question quite frequently lately.

When I was younger - like around 5 years old, maybe younger than that - when I was younger, I wanted to become an astronaut. Why? Because I like the stars that twinkled in the sky. I always wondered what happened to them when it was storming or always wondered why they went away when it was cloudy. Later on, I came to find out that the stars were always there. They never really went away. They were just covered for however long it was while it rained or while it was cloudy.

That didn't change my mind. In fact, sometimes I still want to be an astronaut --- except I don't want to go back to school to get a degree in that field.

I just want to dance with the stars. Or be among them. I find those objects in the sky fascinating. I used to try to count them, too, which is absurd. There's no way I could have counted all the stars.... I can try, though.

I can always try, right? But --- I had a realization today. It sort of just hit me as that is what an epiphany does. Yet, I don't want to acknowledge it. But who am I kidding? My rational self doesn't want to, but I'm certain my heart already knows...

my gut is talking, but I can only hears its uncertainty. Typically, my gut is spot-on with things, but this ----- it doesn't know. Should it wait a little more? Should I chalk it up to impatience? Maybe I should take a leap of faith here.

I've already broken the pattern, and in the very least, there are signs. Though, I have someone who tells me that they are just coincidences.   I'm trying very hard not to jump into any conclusions, but that epiphany this afternoon -- that epiphany makes me think. And I have a bad habit of over-thinking.

If I could shut it off, and just be able to live in the moment... it's not wise to always be in the moment, but at least I wouldn't be over-thinking. Maybe. Most likely not over-thinking, I think.

Writing sometimes can help me sort things out ... but lately, it hasn't. Or if it has, I don't see it as helping. It just confirms some things that I realized today. I don't know where to go from here. I know what I want. It's the whole "what are you waiting for?" crap ..................... physically, I appear to be in control. Then, there's the emotional state followed by mental ... the only thing I'm sure of is that physically --- I'm getting better. My mental isn't too bad... It's my emotions that throw me a for a loop!

I.... am ............. a little sleepy. It's like I'm awake but I'm looking down at myself doing something else ------

These last few months --- it's been a whirlwind of stuff. I wish I knew where I was going from here. A direction would be nice. To point me in the right path. Hopefully, I can just intersect whatever it is, but knowing how my life has been .... it probably won't.


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