Friday, July 28, 2017

shiny day

I had a phone interview this morning for a position I know I would be excellent in doing; but before you ask, no - it isn't my dream job. But it would be something for the mean time, you know?

He makes pretty good money and isn't hurting for money. I know we will get married someday but I would prefer to get out of debt first because once we are married, what is mine and is also his and vice versa -- and it doesn't feel right to me that he would need to help pay my student loans or my credit card debt or make car payments. He has already done so much for me and as much as I appreciate the gesture, whatever I need to do, I will find a way to do so.

I have been stuck before. It isn't unpleasant, but it is somewhat bothersome. To a fault. It's frustrating. Because I don't know when I will become unstuck.

I watch a lot of shows (and Kdrama, too) and some of the premises/situations the characters get in ... I could probably write about some of my experiences. Some are worthy stories. Some are not. Some are very painful. Some are filled with hope. But -- bottomline for me is that I experience sadness more often than not and its generally accompanied with a shot of loneliness, which as an introvert, doesn't bother me per se because I like being alone.

It is just worrisome. Somewhat. If you knew me at all, I am expressive to a degree. My eyes always give me away. And I'm reserved and quiet so if I'm being excessively loud, you know I'm trying to compensate or hiding something. I'm a terrible liar. Had I finished law school, I would have be the worst lawyer.

Things used to be black and white, but I am forever stuck in the grey areas of life now.

I feel something is missing, and I know it's not religion because when I did go to church, a part of me itched to get up and leave. Might have been the congregation I was in or maybe the priest's voice irritated me but it isn't religion. I know I haven't been as spiritual but I still believe to an extent of a higher power.

Could be the fact that I'm in my thirties and I still don't have a family of my own. I'm adopted so I don't even know if I have any living relatives.

I just ... I'm going round and round in circles. I wish I knew where I was going. And if I will ever be happy. I can't say I'm content. Because honestly I don't know if I am or not. Had the question been asked like a few years ago, I might have said yes with no hesitation. Now?

I just don't know.

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