thoughts...

I don't know what to do. About two to three months ago, I started a new job which is very similar to what I did previously at Covance. I'm helping patients with this company's products: they call in and I troubleshoot their concerns -- and I think I'm making a difference, but I really don't know if I am.

It's a customer service focused role like what most of my previous roles were. Except it's not me. Now, don't get me: I like that I'm helping people and the people I work with aren't too bad. But the work environment? It isn't me.

Just like how the project coordinator role I had previous to this one or any of the ones I have been in before; but in my heart, I know none of those roles are me. They are just 'jobs' and not a career. I'm surprised I managed to stay at Covance for as long as I did (I'm thinking now that even though then I didn't know I wasn't going to be lifer there, maybe management did and that's why they never let promoted :shrugs: maybe? I don't know. I know that role wasn't for me either.)

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to make something of myself; just don't know what exactly. I like helping people. I like interacting to an extent; I do get exhausted and tired quicker than most and I know it's because I don't want to be around people all the time.

I'm an introvert. I know how to socialize but I am most happy when I'm not in a big group. I can fake it as if I like being sociable, though. I just crash when I get home.

I want to be a mom. And I'm an unpublished writer for many, many years now since I haven't published anything since my college years. I have some IT experience as well as project management. I have some supervisory/mentor experience. I have a lot of experience in a few different industries and so far, I haven't found my niche.

I haven't found me and I feel lost. Every day, I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. As if I'm waiting for something -- and this something is going to be big. I just don't know what it is.

Lately, I have been feeling nauseated. About fifty percent of the time, I do end up vomiting. The other half its just dry heaving. I've taken home pregnancy tests and so far, one was positive (faint line) while the other times were all negative so I'm not sure what's going on. I have headaches and my emotions are all over the place. My taste is off -- most liquids taste metallic to me and that's weird. I don't have an appetite, but I get annoyed with the headaches. I'm tired all the time. I have trouble sleeping.

Just ... I feel as if I'm no longer aligned with the Universe and I'm just going through the motions. Just .... I find myself wondering what-ifs. What if I didn't miscarry when I was 19? What if I had ended being married to him? Or him? What if I never left the Philippines? What ifs followed by more questions.

I have more questions than I do answers.

What if my biological parents never abandoned me? What if I weren't adopted into this family? Nothing is as simple as it appears. I feel as if I'm just .... here. And where is here anyways in the grand scheme of things?

I don't drink anymore because I don't know if I am or not. I take prenatal vitamins, too.

I wonder if I'll ever get to where I'm supposed to be. I don't think where I am now is where I should be, but I don't even know where I should go. I think I know who I am. I just don't feel as if I belong anywhere. I feel as if I'm lost.

Aimlessly wandering. Just here. Existing.