Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Thinking out loud...

This is just me rambling out loud because as I said-- I normally live inside my head. The wheels in there are always churning.

I've been thinking a lot lately and trying to figure out where I am in the grand scheme of things because I want to know where I'm going with my life.

Have you spoken to me a year or two ago the answer I would have given would vastly be different as to what that answer may be now. And the truth is in my young age I still don't know what I want to be  when I grow up. Biological clock aside, I really do want to be a mother. I want to carry his/her inside my womb for the requisite time and give birth (probably with an epidural or a c-section or both). I wan to be there for him/her when they get their first tooth, first scrapes because daddy is teaching the how to throw/catch a ball, first kiss, first heartbreak, first failing grade(s) because he/she is my child and I know he/she is will be a dreamer and probably forget more than one time about finishing their homework on time or submitting it ...whatever the case, I want to be there as much as I can.

I don't doubt I'll probably be the parent that "mothers" their kid to where he/she will come to dislike me but he/she will always know I'm there for them. My love is and forever be unwavering.

I wish that I could fast forward time to where I'm pregnant and nesting and just being a mom. If you had known me maybe a few years back, all this talk would have never come out of mouth.

As before, I had a tough time with my life. A part of me wishes cancer would have kicked my butt but somehow I prevailed. I am amazingly still alive. And yes, I know. I am the same person that a couple of days ago wished I was dead.

I still have the same dark thoughts. They are ever present in the fringes of my mind. Just like how I've been constipated for the past weekend, the feeling of wrongness still weighs in my head.

Again, I'm just rambling here. I want to be a mother. I want a career not a job. I want to create things, write stories. I want my life to make sense. I want to feel as if I'm doing something with my life and lately nothing makes sense. At least not to me.

Does anything make sense to you?

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