Sunday, May 3, 2015

Well hello again ...

I haven't written in awhile because I haven't had the feeling to write and I still don't, but I figure some freewrite couldn't hurt, right? My percentage has gone up and that's good news :) I sometimes wish my heart would stop feeling when my mind tends to wander and remember things from the past... It's not that I regret what happened; it's more I regret all the good I did for the wrong person. 

I guess this, too, is part of growing up.

We weren't right for each other and still definitely not - but there were some good times, and a lot of bad times which looking back I should have reported but didn't because of reasons that aren't good, and now - I'm left with thoughts and feelings and I'm glad I never did memorized phone numbers because I want to know but I already know what I want to know, too. I just want to hear it. Even though my heart knows it already, I still want to hear it because I know I no longer feel as I did before  but three years with one person is exactly that. Three years. 

I'm ready to keep moving forward; it's just that to still feel bruises and hear words that were said ----- I'm not broken. I'm mending. But I have made a promise to myself that I will not let myself be in that situation again where I feel helpless - I still feel the wall behind my back and hands that weren't gentle. Bruises heal, yes. But the actions behind those ---- I don't know when I will feel safe in another's arms --- at least, I can be around the opposite sex with no qualms or shaky fingers. I know what mask I'm wearing. But to be intimate, to be that close with someone --- that's a whole new ballgame. New battleground. 

Part of growing up, right --- all of this is part of that process. 

I'm no longer where I was, but it feels like my journey is at a standstill because I don't know how to open up and not be wary. Trust is precious. Once it's broken, ....I just don't know where to go from here. I think I do but taking that first step is difficult. Talking is different - I can do that. It's actions that I'm wary about - I don't want to be put in the situation I was previously ... Like ever again. 

I read this quote, "@wisdomsquote: Live your life, take chances, be crazy. Don't wait 'cause right now is the oldest you've ever been & the youngest you'll be ever again." I want to take chances. Live life how it should be. But I need to let go of fear and be able to trust again. And I'm finding it difficult to --- 

Just breathe, Mel. And take it one day at a time. I don't want to feel rushed into things (probably the main reason why I won't commit so readily this time around because I don't know if the words said will follow through the actions) 

No more promises. I don't want to hear them. Only make promises if you can keep them. 

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