Sunday, May 31, 2015

30 day challenge of YOU - day 1

30 day challenge  << provided the link (ebook) so you can see what I'm talking about ...

I'm going to do this beginning today, May 31, 2015 and ending June 30, 2015. It's all about me -- this challenge is all about me and finding myself. Spending an hour just to do shouldn't be hard, right? Wrong! It's tougher than it looks because the challenge says no distractions. No TV, no music while exercising ... what I"m going to do is meditate, and write. Write a lot. Whether online or on actual notebook with a pen.

For one whole hour beginning today.

Writing is my passion. I convey my thoughts with words better than I do with talking. But - if I'm with someone that I really connected with then I can talk for hours. Or become this talking fiend where I want to keep talking with you because I want to get to know you. But my thing is with that is - I can be smothering in the amount of attention I shower the person so I find myself holding myself off. Why? I don't know. I don't want to seem clinghy or stalker-ish. (That a word?) But I know how I am - I'm very affectionate whether through texts, IMs, hand-holding, giving hand massages, making his favorite dish, or have his favorite ice cream ... I give it my all, but I can't give my all if I don't know where I stand.

I used to give it my all but I ended up giving it to the wrong people. Now? I want to give it my all - but I'm wary. Trust is easily broken in a few seconds. It takes a lifetime to build it back up.

I guess I'm afraid of falling in love. I know how unrequited love feels like so I guess I've been in love before, but it was one-sided. I'd like more -- and I don't want to be afraid of giving it all to someone who will reciprocate.

I can't remain afraid forever. But I don't want to be a fool, either. So, it's going to be a slow process. Still --- even with that said, the entire time I was writing, I was thinking of L ... I really can't forget him. And to be honest, I don't want to forget. I really don't want to - I just wish I knew already where I stood with him .... if it's a friendship, well it's not like I haven't had an unrequited before. But a friendship could be a great foundation to something more later on if that were to happen.

I wish I could just be in the moment, and not over-thinking about things that I cannot control. However, this moment shared with L --- the moments I shared with him --- I just ...yeah.

No matter what I'm doing ... somehow I always end up of thinking of L. Hmmm. Way to go, Mel. Circling back .... always to L. I don't think he's left my mind since I started talking to him. Wow. Brutal honesty right here. If I could just say it right to his face.  

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