Monday, May 25, 2015

[Dating] online...

I've tried this online dating once before - it's how I met W. And since I've become more introverted, I find it "safer" for interactions. However, let me just say this: I don't know if what I'm feeling for someone is genuine or if it's the heightened sense of curiosity that makes it all so wonderful, a mystery worthy of being unraveled. Or will I end up with empty words again?

With my profile - I think I do a pretty good job of stating what I want and what I don't want. And I've been single for awhile (for documentation purposes I've been single officially since 4/20/14 but that relationship I was in - it shouldn't have gone past one year but me that I am stayed two years more because of words exchanged that never happened #LessonLearned - saying one thing and doing another is just a waste of time) so really I've been single even though I was with someone the last three years but it was another eye-opening lesson ---- dating nowadays is about numbers. It feels as if it isn't about love and that saddens me. It's hard to find someone nowadays who actually wants to connect & when I say connect I don't mean literally but in some instances, the chemistry is there and you just have to go with it. It takes over and you have to just enjoy the ride.

I've had a total of three dates since I've become officially single (and the ex no longer lives with me) and this last most recent date with L is unforgettable. Not because he took me a fancy restaurant. And not because it was over coffee. I guess L is unforgettable. I simply can't get him out of my mind. He lingers like a stray thought that actually doesn't become a full thought but it's at the tip of my tongue and every time I want to grasp it, it just goes to poof! I will be doing something entirely removed from thinking about him and then boom! L comes flittering into my mind and I start smiling like an idiot. I feel like a love-obsessed teenager and I don't know what to do with myself.

I want to tell him how I feel but at the same time, my self-preservation kicks in because he honestly told me himself that he unintentionally friend zones women -- and I don't want to be friend zoned at all. I do the same myself - I have the tendency of friend zoning guys so I end up with a lot of guy friends. But I know that I don't want to friend zone L at all. L in my mind is far from being friend zoned because I want to know him more. I want to delve into who he is and what makes him /him/.
L is this whirlwind of energy that I want to be able to keep up with ... And I guess in this instance it could just be the chemistry between us that is fueling this, but wouldn't it be great if it became something more?

On our first date, L made a comment of how he can't believe I'm not married. And honestly I've heard that before - and I didn't know how to response. When I was younger, marriage did cross my mind but between when I was 19 years old to now (I've been very close to marrying the first long-term relationship, but he accused me of cheating of which he actually did himself - he cheated on me) ....I can say that marriage is the last thing on my mind. But to be completely honest, the couple of days I spent with L --- that word has managed to take root and I don't know. If L were to say that again to me, of how he can't believe I'm not married yet, I think I already know the answer as to why.  And it scares me. It literally gives me the shivers.

Of course, everything I'm saying could just be me over-thinking, too, and I'm making too much out of nothing. I just don't know ...

I'm exactly five feet tall. And not once did I think that the queen bed I sleep on was too big for just one person. Now? I feel as if I'm engulfed in it. When L was here, it felt right like the queen sized bed gave me its blessing. Like things clicked for once in my life. But again, this really all just could be chemistry with nothing else.

I guess I could find out the answer but asking him directly gives me butterflies in my stomach. Can't I go back to where I hand him a piece of paper that says, "Circle one - do you like me? Yes or No," and the no is all scribbled out ...

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