30 day challenge of YOU - day 1

30 day challenge  << provided the link (ebook) so you can see what I'm talking about ...

I'm going to do this beginning today, May 31, 2015 and ending June 30, 2015. It's all about me -- this challenge is all about me and finding myself. Spending an hour just to do shouldn't be hard, right? Wrong! It's tougher than it looks because the challenge says no distractions. No TV, no music while exercising ... what I"m going to do is meditate, and write. Write a lot. Whether online or on actual notebook with a pen.

For one whole hour beginning today.

Writing is my passion. I convey my thoughts with words better than I do with talking. But - if I'm with someone that I really connected with then I can talk for hours. Or become this talking fiend where I want to keep talking with you because I want to get to know you. But my thing is with that is - I can be smothering in the amount of attention I shower the person so I find myself holding myself off. Why? I don't know. I don't want to seem clinghy or stalker-ish. (That a word?) But I know how I am - I'm very affectionate whether through texts, IMs, hand-holding, giving hand massages, making his favorite dish, or have his favorite ice cream ... I give it my all, but I can't give my all if I don't know where I stand.

I used to give it my all but I ended up giving it to the wrong people. Now? I want to give it my all - but I'm wary. Trust is easily broken in a few seconds. It takes a lifetime to build it back up.

I guess I'm afraid of falling in love. I know how unrequited love feels like so I guess I've been in love before, but it was one-sided. I'd like more -- and I don't want to be afraid of giving it all to someone who will reciprocate.

I can't remain afraid forever. But I don't want to be a fool, either. So, it's going to be a slow process. Still --- even with that said, the entire time I was writing, I was thinking of L ... I really can't forget him. And to be honest, I don't want to forget. I really don't want to - I just wish I knew already where I stood with him .... if it's a friendship, well it's not like I haven't had an unrequited before. But a friendship could be a great foundation to something more later on if that were to happen.

I wish I could just be in the moment, and not over-thinking about things that I cannot control. However, this moment shared with L --- the moments I shared with him --- I just ...yeah.

No matter what I'm doing ... somehow I always end up of thinking of L. Hmmm. Way to go, Mel. Circling back .... always to L. I don't think he's left my mind since I started talking to him. Wow. Brutal honesty right here. If I could just say it right to his face.  

just thoughts

Have you ever met someone whom you've just met but things feel like they just click with you? It's a bit interesting and exciting and just ...a little unnerving. I'm trying this whole online dating again. It's how I met W - second long-term boyfriend. And online dating between now and then ... nothing has really changed; just more competitive. Reminds me of how cutthroat law school was.

Everyone has a profile, and sometimes, you can kind of tell what kind of person is by their profile... since I've been single, I've only been in three first dates (broke up 4/20/14 w/ B and really that shouldn't have been three years of being together, but hindsight is 20/20 - lesson learned); the first one was a coffee date and upon meeting the person, I already knew it will only be a friendship. [That has happened before, too, the first time I tried online dating - most of the guys I met the first time go round with online date: I'm still friends with the majority of them. Just friendships. I don't think I even dated a single one of them. We all just became friends... anyways, I digress.] Second first date was meeting up for drinks and no chemistry. And the third first date? well... how do I even .... it was unexpected but in a good way. :blush:

He's him. And I'm me. And there's chemistry. And other stuff.

Quite vague, right? If I wrote exactly what I want to write, I might be banned for explicit language. He makes me want to write again... and I have been. It's been awhile since I've written. Considering I have several short stories and poetry and a screenplay and novels unfinished.... I don't know where to start - to even begin how to finish the ones that have been started. And I have this urgency to write new ones - new stories, perhaps a new novel ... a new screenplay. Who knows.

I think I preferred the other blog post ... it was somewhat similar to this one but more open. Maybe I should consider writing first thing in the morning. My thoughts were freer. I'll have to think on that.

Feeling More Like My "Old" Self ...

So, if you knew me when I was in my mid-twenties, and know me now in my current age - you would think there were two Mels... well, you wouldn't be wrong, but I think I've learned to merge the two and who I am now is as if I'm like my "old" self.

If you're friends with me in real life or even on Facebook, there are pictures of classy night out of which I spearheaded and the past couple of years, I haven't really been feeling like 'myself' --- I've pretty much become a hermit. Of sorts. Very introverted.

It's like I found my groove back... kinda.


I don't know ... either way, it's a nice feeling overall. :)

overthinking

I'm a victim of over-thinking.

But only with certain things. Not with everything. It's like selective over-thinking? Is that even possible? Hmm. Something to think about, I guess.

I'm also very emotional... not to say I will start crying at a drop of a hat. But I feel so much that sometimes it's overwhelming. Yet, every time I try to "control" --- I get this headache, which I know will become a migraine later on. So, I don't fight. I just let it be. But, back to over-thinking --- I need to learn how to relax. Just be.

I've been writing more ..... it's been weird. I guess sometimes the creative juices just begins. And doesn't stop.

But the over-thinking needs to stop. Driving / walking / jogging ---- they help, but I come back to it regardless. Over-thinking again.

[Dating] online...

I've tried this online dating once before - it's how I met W. And since I've become more introverted, I find it "safer" for interactions. However, let me just say this: I don't know if what I'm feeling for someone is genuine or if it's the heightened sense of curiosity that makes it all so wonderful, a mystery worthy of being unraveled. Or will I end up with empty words again?

With my profile - I think I do a pretty good job of stating what I want and what I don't want. And I've been single for awhile (for documentation purposes I've been single officially since 4/20/14 but that relationship I was in - it shouldn't have gone past one year but me that I am stayed two years more because of words exchanged that never happened #LessonLearned - saying one thing and doing another is just a waste of time) so really I've been single even though I was with someone the last three years but it was another eye-opening lesson ---- dating nowadays is about numbers. It feels as if it isn't about love and that saddens me. It's hard to find someone nowadays who actually wants to connect & when I say connect I don't mean literally but in some instances, the chemistry is there and you just have to go with it. It takes over and you have to just enjoy the ride.

I've had a total of three dates since I've become officially single (and the ex no longer lives with me) and this last most recent date with L is unforgettable. Not because he took me a fancy restaurant. And not because it was over coffee. I guess L is unforgettable. I simply can't get him out of my mind. He lingers like a stray thought that actually doesn't become a full thought but it's at the tip of my tongue and every time I want to grasp it, it just goes to poof! I will be doing something entirely removed from thinking about him and then boom! L comes flittering into my mind and I start smiling like an idiot. I feel like a love-obsessed teenager and I don't know what to do with myself.

I want to tell him how I feel but at the same time, my self-preservation kicks in because he honestly told me himself that he unintentionally friend zones women -- and I don't want to be friend zoned at all. I do the same myself - I have the tendency of friend zoning guys so I end up with a lot of guy friends. But I know that I don't want to friend zone L at all. L in my mind is far from being friend zoned because I want to know him more. I want to delve into who he is and what makes him /him/.
L is this whirlwind of energy that I want to be able to keep up with ... And I guess in this instance it could just be the chemistry between us that is fueling this, but wouldn't it be great if it became something more?

On our first date, L made a comment of how he can't believe I'm not married. And honestly I've heard that before - and I didn't know how to response. When I was younger, marriage did cross my mind but between when I was 19 years old to now (I've been very close to marrying the first long-term relationship, but he accused me of cheating of which he actually did himself - he cheated on me) ....I can say that marriage is the last thing on my mind. But to be completely honest, the couple of days I spent with L --- that word has managed to take root and I don't know. If L were to say that again to me, of how he can't believe I'm not married yet, I think I already know the answer as to why.  And it scares me. It literally gives me the shivers.

Of course, everything I'm saying could just be me over-thinking, too, and I'm making too much out of nothing. I just don't know ...

I'm exactly five feet tall. And not once did I think that the queen bed I sleep on was too big for just one person. Now? I feel as if I'm engulfed in it. When L was here, it felt right like the queen sized bed gave me its blessing. Like things clicked for once in my life. But again, this really all just could be chemistry with nothing else.

I guess I could find out the answer but asking him directly gives me butterflies in my stomach. Can't I go back to where I hand him a piece of paper that says, "Circle one - do you like me? Yes or No," and the no is all scribbled out ...

Well hello again ...

I haven't written in awhile because I haven't had the feeling to write and I still don't, but I figure some freewrite couldn't hurt, right? My percentage has gone up and that's good news :) I sometimes wish my heart would stop feeling when my mind tends to wander and remember things from the past... It's not that I regret what happened; it's more I regret all the good I did for the wrong person. 

I guess this, too, is part of growing up.

We weren't right for each other and still definitely not - but there were some good times, and a lot of bad times which looking back I should have reported but didn't because of reasons that aren't good, and now - I'm left with thoughts and feelings and I'm glad I never did memorized phone numbers because I want to know but I already know what I want to know, too. I just want to hear it. Even though my heart knows it already, I still want to hear it because I know I no longer feel as I did before  but three years with one person is exactly that. Three years. 

I'm ready to keep moving forward; it's just that to still feel bruises and hear words that were said ----- I'm not broken. I'm mending. But I have made a promise to myself that I will not let myself be in that situation again where I feel helpless - I still feel the wall behind my back and hands that weren't gentle. Bruises heal, yes. But the actions behind those ---- I don't know when I will feel safe in another's arms --- at least, I can be around the opposite sex with no qualms or shaky fingers. I know what mask I'm wearing. But to be intimate, to be that close with someone --- that's a whole new ballgame. New battleground. 

Part of growing up, right --- all of this is part of that process. 

I'm no longer where I was, but it feels like my journey is at a standstill because I don't know how to open up and not be wary. Trust is precious. Once it's broken, ....I just don't know where to go from here. I think I do but taking that first step is difficult. Talking is different - I can do that. It's actions that I'm wary about - I don't want to be put in the situation I was previously ... Like ever again. 

I read this quote, "@wisdomsquote: Live your life, take chances, be crazy. Don't wait 'cause right now is the oldest you've ever been & the youngest you'll be ever again." I want to take chances. Live life how it should be. But I need to let go of fear and be able to trust again. And I'm finding it difficult to --- 

Just breathe, Mel. And take it one day at a time. I don't want to feel rushed into things (probably the main reason why I won't commit so readily this time around because I don't know if the words said will follow through the actions) 

No more promises. I don't want to hear them. Only make promises if you can keep them.