30 day challenge of YOU - day 1

30 day challenge  << provided the link (ebook) so you can see what I'm talking about ...

I'm going to do this beginning today, May 31, 2015 and ending June 30, 2015. It's all about me -- this challenge is all about me and finding myself. Spending an hour just to do shouldn't be hard, right? Wrong! It's tougher than it looks because the challenge says no distractions. No TV, no music while exercising ... what I"m going to do is meditate, and write. Write a lot. Whether online or on actual notebook with a pen.

For one whole hour beginning today.

Writing is my passion. I convey my thoughts with words better than I do with talking. But - if I'm with someone that I really connected with then I can talk for hours. Or become this talking fiend where I want to keep talking with you because I want to get to know you. But my thing is with that is - I can be smothering in the amount of attention I shower the person so I find myself holding myself off. Why? I don't know. I don't want to seem clinghy or stalker-ish. (That a word?) But I know how I am - I'm very affectionate whether through texts, IMs, hand-holding, giving hand massages, making his favorite dish, or have his favorite ice cream ... I give it my all, but I can't give my all if I don't know where I stand.

I used to give it my all but I ended up giving it to the wrong people. Now? I want to give it my all - but I'm wary. Trust is easily broken in a few seconds. It takes a lifetime to build it back up.

I guess I'm afraid of falling in love. I know how unrequited love feels like so I guess I've been in love before, but it was one-sided. I'd like more -- and I don't want to be afraid of giving it all to someone who will reciprocate.

I can't remain afraid forever. But I don't want to be a fool, either. So, it's going to be a slow process. Still --- even with that said, the entire time I was writing, I was thinking of L ... I really can't forget him. And to be honest, I don't want to forget. I really don't want to - I just wish I knew already where I stood with him .... if it's a friendship, well it's not like I haven't had an unrequited before. But a friendship could be a great foundation to something more later on if that were to happen.

I wish I could just be in the moment, and not over-thinking about things that I cannot control. However, this moment shared with L --- the moments I shared with him --- I just ...yeah.

No matter what I'm doing ... somehow I always end up of thinking of L. Hmmm. Way to go, Mel. Circling back .... always to L. I don't think he's left my mind since I started talking to him. Wow. Brutal honesty right here. If I could just say it right to his face.  

just thoughts

Have you ever met someone whom you've just met but things feel like they just click with you? It's a bit interesting and exciting and just ...a little unnerving. I'm trying this whole online dating again. It's how I met W - second long-term boyfriend. And online dating between now and then ... nothing has really changed; just more competitive. Reminds me of how cutthroat law school was.

Everyone has a profile, and sometimes, you can kind of tell what kind of person is by their profile... since I've been single, I've only been in three first dates (broke up 4/20/14 w/ B and really that shouldn't have been three years of being together, but hindsight is 20/20 - lesson learned); the first one was a coffee date and upon meeting the person, I already knew it will only be a friendship. [That has happened before, too, the first time I tried online dating - most of the guys I met the first time go round with online date: I'm still friends with the majority of them. Just friendships. I don't think I even dated a single one of them. We all just became friends... anyways, I digress.] Second first date was meeting up for drinks and no chemistry. And the third first date? well... how do I even .... it was unexpected but in a good way. :blush:

He's him. And I'm me. And there's chemistry. And other stuff.

Quite vague, right? If I wrote exactly what I want to write, I might be banned for explicit language. He makes me want to write again... and I have been. It's been awhile since I've written. Considering I have several short stories and poetry and a screenplay and novels unfinished.... I don't know where to start - to even begin how to finish the ones that have been started. And I have this urgency to write new ones - new stories, perhaps a new novel ... a new screenplay. Who knows.

I think I preferred the other blog post ... it was somewhat similar to this one but more open. Maybe I should consider writing first thing in the morning. My thoughts were freer. I'll have to think on that.

Feeling More Like My "Old" Self ...

So, if you knew me when I was in my mid-twenties, and know me now in my current age - you would think there were two Mels... well, you wouldn't be wrong, but I think I've learned to merge the two and who I am now is as if I'm like my "old" self.

If you're friends with me in real life or even on Facebook, there are pictures of classy night out of which I spearheaded and the past couple of years, I haven't really been feeling like 'myself' --- I've pretty much become a hermit. Of sorts. Very introverted.

It's like I found my groove back... kinda.


I don't know ... either way, it's a nice feeling overall. :)

overthinking

I'm a victim of over-thinking.

But only with certain things. Not with everything. It's like selective over-thinking? Is that even possible? Hmm. Something to think about, I guess.

I'm also very emotional... not to say I will start crying at a drop of a hat. But I feel so much that sometimes it's overwhelming. Yet, every time I try to "control" --- I get this headache, which I know will become a migraine later on. So, I don't fight. I just let it be. But, back to over-thinking --- I need to learn how to relax. Just be.

I've been writing more ..... it's been weird. I guess sometimes the creative juices just begins. And doesn't stop.

But the over-thinking needs to stop. Driving / walking / jogging ---- they help, but I come back to it regardless. Over-thinking again.