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It's one of those nights where I just want to get up and go. Never come back. There's no point of staying and expecting a different outcome. I'm restless. Depressed? Maybe. I just know I want out. And at the same time I don't know if I should run away. I don't want to but maybe I should. I don't know. I feel like everyone else is pregnant and starting a family meanwhile I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life. Music makes me feel alive. But I don't know if that is the right courts of action for me. I like writing. But can I make a living out of it? Writers are essentially liars -- crafting stories out of nothing. Breathing "life" into a somewhat mundane world. I want to be a kpop idol, but alas I think I'm too old to be debuting in a rookie group. I want to be a mommy so much that I don't think it'll ever happen. I don't want to be stuck. I'm out of sorts. If I had any balls, I might have walked to the roof and jumped already. There's a kdrama I'm watching called Save Me and I can relate ....those people in that cult are quite insane. If I learned anything from that show, it would be to never mess with a religious cult. I'm thinking a million miles a second and I can't type any single coherent thought out. I'm just ....

0807

I am at a crossroads, but before I attempt to talk about that..... the last couple of days have been weird in regards to dreams. 

Last night's dream~~ 

I was in a war-torn country? I was there to do something and I'm not entirely sure what it was, but I noticed that there were soldiers pretending to not look like soldiers walking around the buildings. I kept asking the leader or my friend -I think the person was a friend- what was going on and the friend kept saying it was a training exercise just in case insurgents decided to storm the place, which makes no sense to me. But I kept seeing these soldiers go in and out and "disappear" around the area... then something about explosives and bombs and the need to find out where they were started. There was a shower scene which made no sense. My comments about me being able to snipe and how this all felt like it was Modern Warfare or Call of Duty (mind you, I haven't played either one in such a long time) and then, I start to do exactly that.... I started scouting and looking around for stuff to disarm when I have no formal training. Found the hidden explosives, soldiers and such and was told to stand down but I saw a bunch of kids playing and I had to tell them to get the hell out of there because it was about to blow and then, there's a humvee or two ... so weird. 

And then, when I woke up yesterday, the dream I had was also odd~~ I was with a bunch of Asians whom I assume to be my family and his because there were a bunch of familiar faces, but I didn't really interact with them. We were all talking about fireworks and I said how the fireworks were better over Chicago's skyline and I think we were all at some beach house somewhere. And the guy that played Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air was there and I don't know why he was. And we were playing Mah-jong ----exactly how it should be played with four people and walls and such not like the matching game that most people think it is---- and it looked like we were in formal wear as if we just came from a wedding or something. ((I should have written this yesterday when the details were fresh))

In regards to the crossroads I was talking about ...have you ever felt as if you were being pulled in a more than one direction? 

It's what I feel right now. On the one hand, I .... I don't know. There's too much and nothing happening at the same time. 

sick...

For once, I am not the one who is. He is. And it's his birthday weekend. Tomorrow, is Happy Hiroshima Day. Then his birthday on Monday.

I'm not entirely sure why he is unwell. All he has had today was a soylent drink (the coffee one) and he's been in the bathroom several times.

Last night, he finished a bottle of whiskey and drank beer. Hmm. I hope he gets to feeling better soon.

I know he's under a lot of stress, too, with his pending (upcoming) surgery in September. He didn't a lot of food today. None that I can tell.

Hmm. 

Forever Love by JB (Dream Knight OST)

널 바라만 본다 넌 닿을 수 없다 마음만 그린다 

네 눈물이 내린 밤 전할 수 없던 my love 이제는 말할게 

전하고 싶은 첫번째 더 이상 아프지 않기 

그대 넘어져도 내가 먼저 이 손 건네줄게요

전하고 싶은 두번째 절대 혼자 울지 않기 

그대 환한 그 미소 지켜줄게요 난 Forever in your heart 

나 떠나야 한다 난 숨죽여 울다 마음을 지운다 

내 추억이 맺힌 밤 전하게 되는 Goodbye 하기 싫은 그 말

전하게 되는 첫번째 더 이상 아프지 않기 

그대 넘어져도 내가 이젠 이 손 줄 수 없잖아 

전하게 되는 두번째 절대 혼자 울지 않기 

그대 곁에 없어도 잊지 말아요 난 Forever in your heart

어쩌면 힘들지 몰라 이별 앞에서 안녕이라는 말

다짐했었지만 자꾸만 맴돌아 네 입술만 보다 전한다

전하고 싶은 마지막 행복했었다는 그 말

그대 곁에서 나 선물처럼 함께 할 수 있어서

사랑해 못다 전한 말 벌써 보고 싶다는 말

안녕이라 말해도 멀지 않아요 난 Forever in your heart

Forever Love by JB <<<< hear it from Youtube